13
Jan
2011
Gary Kubiak infographic will make you wonder how he still has a job (PIC)
With all the NFL coaching changes taking place this month, the retention of HC Gary Kubiak by the Texans seems to have flown under the radar a bit. The January 3rd announcement means that Kubiak will be coming back for his sixth season in Houston, after finishing 6-10 in 2010. And it’s a move that has left plenty of people scratching their heads as to why owner Bob McNair keep giving this guy another chance at the helm.
Let’s face it, the Texans haven’t improved even one bit during Kubiak’s tenure. For all the talent they have, Kubiak has only led his club to ONE winning season and ZERO playoff appearances. Having consistently been the fashionable pick as the next NFL franchise to break through to the upper-echelon of teams, Kubiak’s Texans always seem to fall short of expectations. But don’t take it from us. As usual, the interweb went WAY further than we ever could have imagined in breaking down Kubiak’s ineptitude while in Houston.
So sit back, relax and enjoy this handy dandy infographic here (unless you’re a Texans fan, that is), which shows just how miserable the Kubiak era has been thus far (click image to enlarge):
(Image via Reddit/r/nfl
15
Nov
2010
The New Meadowlands Smells Like Poop
Slightly concerned about the state of the Cowboys, I decided to attend this week’s Giants-Cowboys game live, in the belly of the beast: the new Meadowlands. I figured, if Dallas was going to make a move this season, at 1-7, it was getting kind of late in the year and I wanted to be there to see Ol’ Red (Jason Garrett) flip the switch.
The Giants came into the game with momentum. Manning has been very good and the Giants’ defense has looked as though, at long last, Tom Coughlin’s testicles have once again descended from his body cavity. That vaunted pressure defense had returned. The buddy I went with to the game, a long time Giants season ticket holder, matter-of-factly told me on Saturday night: “Giants 35, Dallas 10″.
Gameday began oddly. On my way to the sports bar where I was going to meet my friend, I stopped in Times Square at a red light. Standing next to me: Montel Williams. Freaking Montel. (Swear to God: Montel!). He was wearing a black leather shirt. Not a black leather jacket: a black leather shirt. And, of course, he was sporting his trademark Montel ‘stache. You know the one: the highly manicured, jet-black ‘stache. Vintage Montel.
I considered saying “Hi, Montel, huge fan of your show” but I didn’t quite have my bearings and the moment passed. I regret it. Could be a Sliding Doors moment for me.
Giants fans use inflatable dolls to find one another in the city on gamedays.
My friend and I watched the first half of the one o’clock games at a bar on 44th street between 8th and 9th avenues, mostly watching the Browns go toe-to-toe with the Jets with other Giants fans. Notwithstanding all of the nice things I say about him, TheDarkHorse used the texts I sent him (“Hillis is the Man!”) to say not-very-nice things about Jerry Jones. For my part, I took the high road. (I always do.) At half-time, my buddy and I settled up and made our way to the new Meadowlands.
At first blush, the new Meadowlands is impressive. We hit no traffic on the way over and, as we drove through the badlands of New Jersey, the new Meadowlands made for an imposing sight– a silver, edgier, more foreboding version of its predecessor.
As we got closer, though, certain things began to bother me. First, they built the stadium next to the fugliest shopping mall in the world. As best I can tell, the mall has no windows and appears to be made from plastic color panels ripped right from the pages of the Ikea catalog. I don’t care if your taste is modern, contemporary, traditional, or old fashioned: nothing about that mall looks right.
The stadium is also next to what used to be the Brendan Byrne arena. If you have ever been inside Brendan Byrne arena, then you know that it just isn’t very nice, either. Worse still, it is no longer called the Brendan Byrne arena. Instead, it is now known as the Izod Center. One thing is for sure, when I think New Jersey Devils hockey: i think Izod. (Apparently they paid $200 million dollars for naming rights. Izod: WTF. How does Izod even have $200 million?) Part of the parking garage used by the Giants also doubles as an indoor ski slope. (And they say Jerryworld is a circus!)
The inside of the stadium is nice. Wide concourses. Staircases in all the right places. Lots of beer and food lines and, most importantly, excellent vantage points from seemingly everywhere in the stadium (including the escalators).
The Meadowlands when the technical glitches began (note the dead Jumbotron).
As Artie previously reported, though, the Giants’ $1.6 billion dollar stadium revolted in the third quarter. First, half the lights in the stadium went out. I have actually been at sporting events in the past where that has happened. The difference here, though, was that it appeared as though no effort was made to turn the lights back on. After making an annoucement (along the lines of: we have concluded that there is enough light to still play the game) the game continued. A few minutes later, though, the whole stadium went black. Everything. Disorenting blackness.
When the lights came on, I turned to the guy sitting next to me (some teenage Jints fan) and said: wouldn’t it be kind of fun if, when the lights came back on, John Kitna was face down at midfield, with a ketchup stain on the back of his jersey, and thus the “Who Killed John Kitna Mystery Party!” begins. He didn’t think it was funny. I did, though, and I laughed and laughed about it. And I thought of Tom Coughlin on the jumbotron, delivering a speech filled with clues. And, of course, in the end Lawrence Tynes would be the killer because no one ever suspects the kicker.
What is not being reported on TV, though, and what ReadAndReact can exclusively report, is that the new Meadowlands simply doesn’t have enough bathrooms. Not even close. The lines were pee-in-your pants long. The kind where, once you go to the bathroom, you might as well just get back in the line to go again. How can you build a $1.6 billion stadium and not have enough bathrooms? (The urinals themselves are also oddly narrow. Whatever happened to the big pissing troughs?) Worse still: the bathrooms honestly smelled like poop. The smell in the 300 section bathroom was toxic and dangerous. People were pouring out the bathroom door besides themselves with the bad odor. Really bad smell, like I would imagine a Dirty Sanchez smells. Theories as to the source were plentiful– shouts of “somebody went on the floor” caromed off the walls. One person suggested that the smell was simply New Jersey.
8
Nov
2010
The Wade Phillips era has come to an end in Dallas
Less than a week after promising that Wade Phillips would be the Cowboys head coach at least through the end of this season, Jerry Jones has fired Phillips, and given the interim coaching job to Assistant Head Coach/Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett. The news comes on the heels of a nationally televised beating at the hands of the Green Bay Packers last night, which dropped Dallas to 1-7 on the season. And in a year when the Cowboys were supposed to be the first team to play in the Super Bowl in their own home stadium, that kind of start simply won’t cut it. Not under Jerrah’s watch.
I’ve never been a big fan of Wade Phillips as a head coach … he’s a good enough coordinator, but he simply doesn’t have what it takes to truly inspire & lead a team of men to the promised land. He’s just too soft. During his tenure, the Phillips-led ‘boys posted a record of 34-22, and only mustered one playoff win. But clearly, the Cowboys’ problems run far deeper than just the head coach. So now things go from bad to worse in Dallas, and Garrett – who is a very talented young coach - is being put in a tremendously difficult position. It’s not like this one move is going to magically cure all of the Cowboys’ ills, and Garrett is being handed the reigns to a team in total disarray, with expectations to somehow turn things around mid-stream.
Never mind the fact that Jones is the one who gave all those huge guaranteed contracts to a bunch of players who had never actually won anything … and that it’s those players who are crapping the bed every time they step on the field. Or that Jones was the one who built a multi-billion dollar cathedral and raised expectations for his club beyond any reasonable expectations this year. As long as Jerrah is running the show in Dallas, those issues aren’t going anywhere, and Cowboys fans could be in for a long road while Jones tries to right the ship.
In the mean time, you can expect Jones to look everywhere but in the mirror in effort to figure it out.
17
Oct
2010
Wade Ball on display as Cowboys fall to 1-4
Remember when the Cowboys were favorites for the Super Bowl this year? (Photo: Star-Telegram/Paul Moseley)
The world-renowned Wade Phillips discipline was on full display Sunday in Minneapolis during the Cowboys 24-21 loss to the Vikings. Dallas was flagged 11 times for 91 yards, including calls that negated a 68-yard Miles Austin TD, as well as a 34-yard punt return. Austin kicked things off himself with an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty after the Cowboys first score, and Tony Romo added two interceptions that set up 10 points for Minnesota. It was the third time Phillips’ club has reached double figures in penalties this season, as they continue to find new and exciting ways beat themselves.
The loss drops the Cowboys to 1-4 on the season, and has Dallas sports fans praying that the Rangers can salvage their Fall sports season. But owner Jerry Jones is sticking by his head coach, saying after the game that he wouldn’t fire Phillips, at least until the end of the season.
“I would never consider doing that during the season,” Jones said.
(ed note: this is only because of the ridiculous amount of money it would cost to do so)
However, Jones did not give Phillips a vote of confidence. He acknowledged that the Cowboys are in serious trouble due in large part to a glaring lack of discipline.
“I’m not [optimistic],” Jones said. “I’m very disappointed. I realize the challenge that we’ve got, and we’re not playing well enough to get it done right now. We’re running out of the opportunity to make this season what we meant it to be.”
CONTINUE AFTER THE JUMP FOR VIDEO LOWLIGHTS OF THE COWBOYS SEASON
20
Sep
2010
UH-OH, the Vikings and Cowboys start 0-2
I wonder if Brett is regretting coming back for one more season (Photo: Joe Rimkus Jr/Miami Herald)
Don’t look now, but the sky is falling in Minneapolis and Dallas this Monday, after both cities’ beloved football teams have started the season 0-2. The Vikings and Cowboys were both fashionable pre-season picks to represent the NFC in Super Bowl XLV, but are currently looking for their first win … and both clubs are desperately looking for answers.
In Minnesota, Favre was intercepted 3 times and fumbled once in the Vikings 14-10 home loss to the Miami Dolphins. It was his worst day as a Viking, and a rude awakening for Favre who threw just 2 interceptions in the Metrodome all of last season. And while it’s still early in the season, now the Vikings are looking up in the NFC North, where both the Packers and Vikings are 2-0. With WR Sidney Rice already out with a hip injury, and Percy Harvin scheduled for an MRI on his own injured hip, rumors are swirling that the Vikings will make a move for WR Vincent Jackson, who is currently suspended and embroiled in a contract dispute with the San Diego Chargers. Regardless, the Vikings will face the Lions this Sunday before getting a bye week to try and right the ship.
Meanwhile in Dallas, the Cowboys lost to the Bears, 27-20, marking the first time they’ve started the season 0-2 since 2001. Jerry Jones is already starting to freak out, and applying not-so-subtle pressure on Wade Phillips, after losing to two teams they were favored to beat … mainly by shooting themselves in the foot.
That's a whole lotta confused faces (Photo: Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)
20
Sep
2009
WEBINAR-OFF: Giants v. Cowboys v. Fufkin v. C-O-U-R-T-N-E-Y!
UPDATE: WE’LL BE PERIODICALLY BLOGGING OUR THOUGHTS ON THE GAME IN THE COMMENTS. FOLLOW ALONG.
I lay down the gauntlet early this morning because I know fufkin will need all day to formulate a response to the verbal devastation that follows. To begin with, I lowercase fufkin in an intentional lack of respect, similar to the lack of respect that the giants have shown to Americans (as fans of America’s team) in recent years. At every turn, the giants talk, talk, talk about the Cowboys. The base, verbal diarrhea that falls from brandon jacobs pouty lips is fare usually reserved for pro wrestling and is all part of the lame mystique that the giants–led by THE human embodiment of a clown show in eli womanning– appear to be trying to carve out for themselves. Intimidating? Poppycock: the giants are a laughable collection of men.
Eli Wo-Manning surveys the secondary
And here is why the Cowboys will whup ‘em tonight:
1. JerryWorld- There is an unwritten rule that says “thou shall not lose one’s inaugural game in one’s new stadium”. To ensure that would not happen, Jerry Jones (1) gathered his players during the off-season and told them how much money he was spending on a daily basis to build JerryWorld, and (2) made utterly idiotic claims that he believes JerryWorld will inspire his team to the Super Bowl, antagonizing fans and foes alike. What better way to inspire than economics? What better way to motivate than by way of high-def jumbotron/executive suites/frittering glass/retractable roofs?
While Jerry’s thought process helps to explain the Cowboys lack of playoff success in the Cowboys’ post-Jimmy Johnson world, there are unique advantages to be gained by the Cowboys playing at home tonight. Nobody on the giants has ever played at Cowboys stadium. Everything will be new to them. The locker rooms. The sidelines, sight lines, lights– all new. Recently, we moved offices WITHIN THE SAME BUILDING and I lost two days of work because of the distractions. Where is the coffee machine? Does Dave really think it is OK to talk on speakerphone with his door open? If you think the giants won’t be distracted by a 60 yard high definition screen hanging above their heads, you haven’t moved offices recently. The distraction factor will be a factor. According to Rick Gosselin, a new stadium virtually ensures first season success. The mere fact that the Cowboys have played (pre-season) and practiced in the new stadium gives them an edge. Look for Dallas to get off to a good start tonight as the giants try to figure out their ass from their elbow.
2. Super Bowls are won in September- The Cowboys under Tony Romo have gone like gang busters in September since he took over quarterbacking duties. There are a lot of reasons for it, but chief among them are that the Cowboys are fresh, injury free, and haven’t yet been exposed as heartless fairies. Few teams, including the giants, have as much front line talent as the Cowboys. From DeMarcus Ware to a bevy of talented players on the offensive side of the ball, Dallas is loaded. Dallas’ problem is that as soon as it has to pull from its depth pool (see offensive line play last year after Kyle Kosier went down) or persevere through the inevitable fatigue and adversity that a season brings, they wilt. While they claim this year will be different and have every reason to be motivated to exorcise the demons of last season, it is of no matter here. Dallas wins in September, and will win tonight, because they simply have more talent than the giants and talent wins 75% of the time in the NFL.
3. The three-headed-monster- Goodbye earth, wind, and fire; hello Tash, Smash, and Dash. The healthy three-headed monster of Tashard Choice, Marion Barber, and Felix Jones gives the Cowboys the promise of offensive balance, which it lacked last year. One way to negate the giants vaunted pass rush (and to cut down on turnovers) is to run the ball effectively and use your running backs in the passing game. Dallas has the weapons and, unlike last year, the patience (read: no T.O.) to do that this year. The Giants have also never had to play against Felix Jones. Although limited by a thigh bruise in week one, reports are that Jones is ready to go. One flash of his speed and open field ability will force the giants to think twice before bringing the heat. Expect him to play a big role in tonight’s game plan.
4. Balance- I was at a dinner party last night where people spoke of balance. In life, in food, in all things. It made for terrible, when-will-it-end conversation. Although buzz-killing when amongst suburbanites, balance is brilliance if your name is Jason Garrett. Dallas is more committed to the run and taking what the defense gives them (as opposed to forcing the ball to Terrell Owens just to shut him up) this year. Garrett’s new approach was masterful in its execution against the Bucs. While the giants pose a bigger threat, Garrett’s commitment to balance will be on full display tonight and will also help to negate the giants pash rush.
5. The giants receivers don’t scare me (or anyone for that matter)- Dallas has some vulnerabilities on the defensive side of the ball. For one, they struggled to stop the run against the Bucs. According to Wade Phillips, the Cowboys gave up most of those yards because they were blitzing too much, a problem he says that was corrected at halftime. The problem with that argument is that the Bucs were trailing the whole second half and had to pass more, which likely had more to do with them abandoning the run than any technical adjustments. The giants will run the ball. Often. Expect the Cowboys to load up the box in an effort to force womanning to turn to his untested corp of you-don’t-scare-me receivers. When coupled with a fast start by the ‘Boys, the pressure will build on the giants to make plays in the passing game. While I think the giants receiving core will be fine as the season wears on, the Cowboys have they advantage of facing them early in the season.
FINAL SCORE: Cowboys 30-22. fufkin. Have I convinced you?
CONTINUE READING AFTER THE JUMP FOR ARTIE FUFKIN’S RESPONSE
19
Sep
2009
Scanning the NFL Twitterverse
Newsworthy (and unworthy) reports from the beautiful world that is Twitter. NOTE: These are pulled verbatim from players’ pages–don’t blame us for the spelling issues.
Jets QB Mark Sanchez:
(after beating the Texans) What a day. So happy and fortunate to be a part of it. Big time team win. Should’ve been a shut out w/o INT. Good start plenty of work to do
Sanchez Twitters. Do you? (Photo: Keivom/News)
Bengals WE Chad Ocho Cinco:
- @DENISE_RICHARDS Writing a script for a movie like the titantic, just there’s no boat just jet skies, are you interested in the lead role.
- @britneyspears Are you still on tour, do you need a back up dancer because I’m free on Tuesdays and off during my bye week!!
- @BarackObama Barrack i dont mean to bother you so late but im looking for a place to stay when I visit DC, how many rooms in the white house
- @Oprah trying to become a billionaire, would you consider dating me and dumping after a few months just for the pub, thanks for your help.
ESPN’s Chris Mortensen:
Off the plane in Connecticut. Beautiful breezy fall day.
ESPN’s Adam Schefter:
- If you want to accuse me of being a Rodney stooge, maybe I’m guilty. But not guilty of being a Pats stooge or a stooge of any team.
- You might question this, but it’s absolutely true. Reporters don’t root for teams. We root for people and we root for stories. That simple.
Raiders WR Darrius Heyward-Bey:
@eduardoraider yeah i messed up vs the chargers but just gotta look sharp aganist the chiefs
@oaktownraiders i think seymours a great player he should help us stop the run alot
Cowboys Head Coach Wade Phillips:
- (after last week’s win) 1st win was fun for our team but it was hot and I need mopre sunscreen
Giants WE Sinorice Moss:
- On the way to Dallas. Let’s Go Big Blue!
Browns CB Brandon McDonald:
gotta get bak to work…. preparin fa da Broncos…. i owe em
Chargers OLB Shawne Merriman:
- Just had the best 2hr massage that you can get sunday please hurry up and get here!
- Just got my personalized copy of 50 cent new book in the mail “the 50th law” cant wait to read it
Redskins TE Chris Cooley:
- Crazy off day. Recording with Elliot, ad week with Comcast, then the Sneaker Ball. Being followed by E! the entire time.
Seahawks QB Matt Hasselbeck:
- The Informant was like listening to a decent book on tape.
- Doing HW with kids tonight. After tonight, I figure I can help them till 4th grade.
Titans LB Keith Bulluck:
@ChrisJohnson28 I got u lil bruh…it’s your show Sunday son,don’t even worry bout the other side. I’m feel’n homeless need 2 eat (pause)
Titans RB Chris Johnson:
I’m layin in the bed watchin college friday night football then bout to watch film me vs steve slaton he up on me 2 to 0 – I got to step up
Bills WR Terrell Owens:
- Never question sum1s character til they allow their character 2 b questioned.
A source of wisdom and calm. (Photo: ESPN)
Cards WR Larry Fitzgerald:
- Gotta have a good walk through practice this morning.We are ready 2 go tomorrow.
- On the plane getting ready 2 take off to jacksonville! This is going to be the longest flight ever!
MORE AFTER THE JUMP
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