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The New Meadowlands Smells Like Poop

Slightly concerned about the state of the Cowboys, I decided to attend this week’s Giants-Cowboys game live, in the belly of the beast: the new Meadowlands.  I figured, if Dallas was going to make a move this season, at 1-7, it was getting kind of late in the year and I wanted to be there to see Ol’ Red (Jason Garrett) flip the switch.    

The Giants came into the game with momentum.  Manning has been very good and the Giants’ defense has looked as though, at long last, Tom Coughlin’s testicles have once again descended from his body cavity.  That vaunted pressure defense had returned.  The buddy I went with to the game, a long time Giants season ticket holder, matter-of-factly told me on Saturday night: “Giants 35, Dallas 10″.

Gameday began oddly.  On my way to the sports bar where I was going to meet my friend, I stopped in Times Square at a red light.  Standing next to me: Montel Williams. Freaking Montel.  (Swear to God: Montel!).  He was wearing a black leather shirt.  Not a black leather jacket: a black leather shirt.  And, of course, he was sporting his trademark Montel ‘stache.  You know the one: the highly manicured, jet-black ‘stache.  Vintage Montel.

I considered saying “Hi, Montel, huge fan of your show” but I didn’t quite have my bearings and the moment passed. I regret it.  Could be a Sliding Doors moment for me.

Giants fans use inflatable dolls to find one another in the city on gamedays.

My friend and I watched the first half of the one o’clock games at a bar on 44th street between 8th and 9th avenues, mostly watching the Browns go toe-to-toe with the Jets with other Giants fans.  Notwithstanding all of the nice things I say about him, TheDarkHorse used the texts I sent him (“Hillis is the Man!”) to say not-very-nice things about Jerry Jones.  For my part, I took the high road.  (I always do.)  At half-time, my buddy and I settled up and made our way to the new Meadowlands.

At first blush, the new Meadowlands is impressive.  We hit no traffic on the way over and, as we drove through the badlands of New Jersey, the new Meadowlands made for an imposing sight– a silver, edgier, more foreboding version of its predecessor.

As we got closer, though, certain things began to bother me.  First, they built the stadium next to the fugliest shopping mall in the world.  As best I can tell, the mall has no windows and appears to be made from plastic color panels ripped right from the pages of the Ikea catalog.  I don’t care if your taste is modern, contemporary, traditional, or old fashioned: nothing about that mall looks right.

The stadium is also next to what used to be the Brendan Byrne arena.  If you have ever been inside Brendan Byrne arena, then you know that it just isn’t very nice, either.  Worse still, it is no longer called the Brendan Byrne arena.  Instead, it is now known as the Izod Center.  One thing is for sure, when I think New Jersey Devils hockey: i think Izod. (Apparently they paid $200 million dollars for naming rights. Izod: WTF.  How does Izod even have $200 million?)  Part of the parking garage used by the Giants also doubles as an indoor ski slope.  (And they say Jerryworld is a circus!)

The inside of the stadium is nice.  Wide concourses.  Staircases in all the right places.  Lots of beer and food lines and, most importantly, excellent vantage points from seemingly everywhere in the stadium (including the escalators).

The Meadowlands when the technical glitches began (note the dead Jumbotron).

As Artie previously reported, though, the Giants’ $1.6 billion dollar stadium revolted in the third quarter.  First, half the lights in the stadium went out.  I have actually been at sporting events in the past where that has happened.  The difference here, though, was that it appeared as though no effort was made to turn the lights back on.  After making an annoucement (along the lines of: we have concluded that there is enough light to still play the game) the game continued.  A few minutes later, though, the whole stadium went black. Everything.  Disorenting blackness.

When the lights came on, I turned to the guy sitting next to me (some teenage Jints fan) and said: wouldn’t it be kind of fun if, when the lights came back on, John Kitna was face down at midfield, with a ketchup stain on the back of his jersey, and thus the “Who Killed John Kitna Mystery Party!” begins. He didn’t think it was funny.  I did, though, and I laughed and laughed about it.  And I thought of Tom Coughlin on the jumbotron, delivering a speech filled with clues.  And, of course, in the end Lawrence Tynes would be the killer because no one ever suspects the kicker.

What is not being reported on TV, though, and what ReadAndReact can exclusively report, is that the new Meadowlands simply doesn’t have enough bathrooms.  Not even close.  The lines were pee-in-your pants long.  The kind where, once you go to the bathroom, you might as well just get back in the line to go again.   How can you build a $1.6 billion stadium and not have enough bathrooms?   (The urinals themselves are also oddly narrow.  Whatever happened to the big pissing troughs?)  Worse still: the bathrooms honestly smelled like poop.  The smell in the 300 section bathroom was toxic and dangerous.  People were pouring out the bathroom door besides themselves with the bad odor.  Really bad smell, like I would imagine a Dirty Sanchez smells.  Theories as to the source were plentiful– shouts of “somebody went on the floor” caromed off the walls.  One person suggested that the smell was simply New Jersey.

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