12
Mar
2011
LOCKOUT LETTER FROM AL DAVIS TO OAKLAND RAIDERS PLAYERS: MARCH 11, 2011
Al Davis projects lockout letter on the big screen from his underground lair (photo: AP)
OAKLAND RAIDERS
1220 Harbor Bay Parkway
Alameda, CA 94502
March 11, 2011
Dear [Player Name]:
This is to inform you that the Oakland Raiders (“Club”) will institute a lockout of its players (“Peasants”) as of 12:00 a.m. Eastern time on March 12, 2011.
During the lockout, the following will be in effect:
1. You will not be able to enter any Club facility or the stadium. Mr. Davis will be monitoring you via satellite from his secret underground lair. If you are even seen in the parking lot, you will be immediately incinerated with either a laser beam fired from space or a cannonball blast.
2. You will not receive any compensation from the Club. Contracts, however, will be honored for those bringing Mr. Davis the severed heads of either Lane Kiffin or Jon Gruden.
3. The Club will not pay for or provide health insurance. You will receive additional information about options to continue your current coverage through COBRA. Please note that COBRA is in a pitched battle with G.I. Joe and it might be some time before you hear from them. If you need assistance, please contact the plan administrators, Zartan or Serpentor, through the Hasbro Corp. via sealed diplomatic pouch.
4. You will not be able to perform any duties under your Player Contract or otherwise perform any duties for the Club. Those of you who made extra money digging up graves seeking fresh bodies for Mr. Davis’ cloning experiments may continue to do so, as that is considered an Outside Contract and essential for his plan of world domination.
5. Testing and treatment obligations under the Policy and Program for Substance of Abuse and Policy on Anabolic Steroids and Related Substances will cease. Gamma (Dr. Banner), Cosmic Ray (Dr. Richards) and Super Soldier (Dr. Erskine) treatments do not fall under this category, and will continue unabated.
6. The Club will not give you further instructions or guidance as to workout or trainings. This will not be any different from how we do things normally.
7. Club security and player development staff will not assist you with legal or any other problems. If such services are needed, Mr. Davis recommends any of the following: Matt Houston, Thomas Magnum, Simon and Simon, or the fictional comic book characters Luke Cage and Iron Fist.
8. During the lockout, the explosive tracking chips that Mr. Davis installed in your neck will be deactivated. Please be aware that extreme temperatures and moisture can result in chip malfunction and explosion. We apologize for any inconvenience or anxiety this may cause.
9. You are free to engage in any alternative employment during the lockout. Any services provided to Communist, Socialist, Mormon or Werewolf organizations, however, will not be tolerated and you will be hunted down and killed by Mr. Davis’ loyal band of ninja assassins (“The Autumn Wind”). Once a new labor agreement is reached between the NFL and the Union you may be expected to join the Club immediately. Therefore, you should structure any alternate employment so you can return to the Club promptly after a new labor agreement is reached.
If you have any questions, please contact the blood-sucking stooges that run the NFL Players Association.
Sincerely,
Al Davis
Owner/General Manager
Oakland Raiders
19th-Level Warlock
P.S. Please remember that if an agreement is reached, the first Thursday of each month is Hawaiian shirt day, and I expect 100 percent participation this year. Davis out!
5
Jan
2011
The five deadly sins of Mike Holmgren and the Cleveland Browns
The spotlight now falls to Holmgren to get it right. (Source: Cleveland.com)
On Monday, Cleveland Browns president Mike Holmgren went from wise father figure atop a rebuilding Browns organization, to a man under significant pressure to deliver.
It’s one thing to tell a fanbase that Eric Mangini hasn’t met expectations — it’s another to meet them yourself. While Holmgren excels at win-you-over press conferences, it’s his football decisions this offseason that will define his tenure with this star-crossed franchise.
The Browns are about to hire their sixth head coach since their return in 1999. Whoever finally turns the ship around will never buy a drink in Ohio again — but it’s no small task, and one that’s left wheelbarrows of dead along the road out of town.
Here are five mistakes Holmgren must avoid, if he wants to turn this ship around:
MISTAKE #1: Miss on the coach
While some were thrilled to see Mangini swept aside, they might look back and wonder why the move was made if Cleveland goes in the direction some predict.
Holmgren talked about spreading a wide net, but lead candidates for the coaching vacancy appear to be limited to those also represented by Holmgren’s agent, Bob LaMonte. He fronts John Fox, Jon Gruden, Jim Mora, Brad Childress, Pat Shurmur and — ugh — Marty Mornhinweg.
“I don’t want to have to do this again, so I have to get it right,” said Holmgren.
It’s hard to get excited about that “right” choice being Mornhinweg, who went 5-27 as coach of the Detroit Lions.
8
Oct
2009
TUESDAYS WITH C-O-U-R-T-N-E-Y! (Brought to you on Thursday.)
Never has there been a bigger disconnect between the national media and fans of the NFL. Brett Favre is a blight on the American landscape, the human incarnation of the potato famine. How come we, Americans, see it so clearly and they, the media, don’t?
Brett Favre
Yesterday, a guy I know e-mailed me out of the blue to say “I hate the fact that Favre is actually doing well.” Indeed, now everyone does.
Favre’s success is demoralizing. Gruden’s waxing Favre’s tip on Monday Night Football demeaning. Far from vindicating him vis-a-vis his former employer, Favre’s victory cast a noxious, toxic plume into the Monday night sky. It lingers into Thursday. For the mouth-breathers in the media, the scent is lost in the afterglow. For the rest of us, Americans, we lie at night wondering when the airborne toxic event that is Favre’s return will pass.
PHOTO: www.howbigismypotato.com
18
May
2009
Gruden to replace Kornheiser on MNF
Your new Monday Night Football team! (Photo: KissingSuzyKolber)
ESPN announced today that former Bucs and Raiders head coach Jon Gruden will replace Tony Kornheiser on Monday Night Football. Gruden will join Mike Tirico and Ron Jaworski in the booth, and hope to have a longer tenure than previous failed color commentators Dennis Miller, Joe Theisman, and most recently, Kornheiser. And even though Gruden has relatively little experience on camera, it would be hard to do worse than his predecessor.
From the beginning, the Kornheiser experiment seemed doomed to fail. on Pardon the Interruption, he brings incisive, cutting analysis to a wide variety of sports. On MNF, he was just another braying talking head, blathering on about almost anything except what was actually happening on the field in front of him.
So Kornheiser decided to step down from MNF, although he will still continue on PTI. But the reason TK won’t be calling games anymore might come as a surprise to you: it was because of his fear of flying!
I am totally grateful for the MNF opportunity that I truly enjoyed the last three seasons,” he said. “I feel we got better each year. My fear of planes is legendary and sadly true. When I looked at the upcoming schedule it was the perfect storm that would’ve frequently moved me from the bus to the air. I kept looking at the schedule the past month and wanted to find a way to quietly extricate myself.
So yeah, it had nothing to do with the fact that Kornheiser sucked ass. Even though John Madden made a career out of calling games and criss-crossing the country on the Madden Cruiser bus, Kornheiser simply couldn’t sack up and make it happen (or better yet, pop a Xanax and get on the friggin plane!). Yup, that makes perfect sense.
