12
Aug
2009
Dolphins continue to set new standards for awful fight songs
If only the Dolphins had enlisted Andy Samberg for this gig
It has been a busy off-season for the defending AFC East Champion Miami Dolphins. Not that they’ve done anything particularly notable to improve their football club, but owner Stephen Ross sure has been busy rubbing elbows with the South Florida music community!!!
First, Jimmy Buffett became a minority owner in the Dolphins and wrote a horrendous fight song for the team. Then, both Gloria Estefan and Marc Anthony purchased stakes in the franchise, ensuring that Miami had cornered the market on mediocre pop stars in the NFL.
Well, it appears the Dolphins weren’t satisfied there, and have now enlisted auto-tuning hip-hop sensation T-Pain to craft a new anthem for the club … and it’s even worse than you could have possibly imagined.
It’s like they didn’t even try. T-Pain just threw in an 1987 video game soundtrack on a loop and had his 3-yr old nephew write the lyrics.
This begs the question, though, has anyone consulted Bill Parcells in all of this?!? I mean, if Sundays in Miami are filled with this crap, followed by “Conga” and “Margaritaville” to psych out their opponents … I don’t suspect Landshark Stadium is going to be an intimidating place for rival teams to play.
Unless they are worried that the rhythm is, in fact, gonna get them. In that case, they should be afraid. Very afraid.
Cleanse your aural palette with a much better T-Pain joint after the jump: The Lonely Island’s “On A Boat”
10
May
2009
I Hate Jimmy Buffett’s Phins Song
We can only pray that the Landshark will choose his next victim wisely
As much as it pains me to post this, it only seems appropriate in light of the recent news that the Miami Dolphins’ stadium is being re-named Landshark Stadium after corporate partner (and Jimmy Buffett’s beer company), Landshark Lager [South Florida Business Journal]. So, even though it’s only a one-year deal, and even though Buffett probably has no clue about pro football, it only makes sense that he would bastardize one of his “hits” with Dolphin’s-oriented lyrics, to maximize the marketing push behind the sponsorship.
So anyway, here’s this song … it was originally called “Fins”, so thankfully Buffett didn’t have to hurt himself trying to re-work it too much. I didn’t make it past the 1:35 mark because my ears started bleeding, so you’ll have to let me know if it’s any good. All I know is Jimmy couldn’t be reading the lyrics off of the floor and more obviously, and there’s a poor woman in the front row dressed as a parrot, but she looks WAY more like Toucan Sam.
But at least there are cheerleaders jumping around in there, so you can turn down the volume and just watch the girlies shake if you prefer:
Is it over yet? Ugggh.
As awful as this whole thing is, it really comes as no surprise. Buffett has been more about marketing than music for decades now, and would give Gene Simmons a run for his money as biggest sellout in music history.
And the marketing machine is already in full gear, planning “Margaritaville” pre and post-game parties in the parking lots, with Landshark lager for all and this “Phins Song” blasting through the air on repeat, blanketing the tailgate in a thick stench of mediocrity. So now people will be getting sick before, during and after the game from the barrage of nauseating football, beer and music.
Dolphins/Landshark/Parrothead Fever … CATCH IT!
3
May
2009
Land Shark Stadium – Home of the Dolphins
Candy gram.
In the latest news item that makes me want to smash my head against a table repeatedly, the Miami Dolphins are likely to re-name their home field Land Shark Stadium, after corporate sponsor Land Shark Lager.
What’s Land Shark Lager, you ask? Well, it’s the pet project of musician Jimmy Buffett (along with his deep-pocketed friends at Anheuser Busch). Yes, the same Jimmy Buffett of “Margaritaville”, “Cheeseburger in Paradise”, and dozens of other mediocre, watered-down songs for old white people trying to re-live the vacation they took to Key West in the 70′s.
From the Miami Herald:
To accessorize the stadium’s fifth name since it opened as Joe Robbie Stadium in 1987, Ross wants to open a Margaritaville-themed area inside the park.
Ross apparently has been searching for a minority owner, and he reportedly has approached Buffett. The deal could give Buffett incentive to invest. A source close to the talks said the two sides discussed keeping the deal short-term, perhaps only through the end of the upcoming Dolphin season. The stadium will host next season’s Super Bowl in February.
With stadium naming rights becoming the revenue source du jour for professional sports teams, this really should come as no suprise to anyone. We’ve already got Heinz Field (Steelers), Monster Park (49ers), Quicken Loans Arena (Cavaliers), and my personal favorite, Jobing.com Arena (NHL’s Phoenix Coyotes).
It’s really only a matter of time before the Raiders are playing in Depends Undergarments Stadium. Which would be quite fitting, actually.
After the jump, get a laugh with the classic SNL Land Shark sketch, and South Park giving Jimmy Buffett the treatment:
