12
Nov
2010
5 things intergalactic bounty hunter IG-88 *MUST* terminate in 2010
ALERT: Interstellar hit-droid IG-88 files annual no-negotiation hitlist.
Per usual, aspects and individuals of this NFL season are too TEDIOUS to be tolerated and — MUST BE TERMINATED.
IG-88 hovering above NFL with DETONATION HAMMER. (Source: ratherchildish.com)
REPEAT: Assassin droid IG-88 has identified the following targets:
(1) CHILLY must go STAT. CHILLY has lost control of team. CHILLY to be sidelined PERMANENTLY within minutes of IG-88 entering atmosphere. IG-88 has witnessed locker room float away like a paper boat on windy lake. IG-88 will not tolerate. IG-88, who has carried out a series of successful hits on frigid Hoth, is not intimidated by Minnesota winter climate and will not await Spring to carry out job.
IG-88 vows: Chilly/Favre quality time DONE. (Source: AP)
(2) IG-88 will not tolerate coaching weight-loss spree. Human football coaches preferable to IG-88 when obese/aimless. IG-88 vows to cut cord on overly congratulated coach thinning.
IG-88 prefers NFL coaches King Kong Bundy-like, in order to emphasize his sparse, droid figure. COACH SLIM-DOWN: OUT. (Source: The Star-Ledger)
(3) IG-Ocho-ocho on fast-track, seek-and-destroy campaign to DETONATE Bengal Ochocinco. Tired antics and Twitter banter FAIL have intergalactic hit-droid fuming over Ohio copycat.
IG-Ocho-ocho on Ochocinco: "NEGATIVE." (Source: AP)
(4) Brutally dull London game matchup — international SNOOZE FEST — must be adjusted STAT or IG-88 WILL TERMINATE. One last chance for London game — get right or guns drop.
IG-88 has seen football in London nosedive since the Fridge's stint with the London Monarchs. (Source: NFL.com)
(5) IG-88 is coming after playground bully James Harrison. James Harrison, Pennsylvania-situated tough guy, will come face-to-face with INTERGALACTIC droid nemesis IG-88 and learn dictionary definition of HIT TO HEAD. Photos of confrontation will be printed and distributed to Mohamed Massaquoi and Massaquoi family, and posted to all facebook accounts with last name Massaquoi. Massaquoi family line restored by IG-88, star-system leveler and orbital hit-robot. IG-88 DOES NOT TOLERATE JAMES HARRISON ANTICS. IG-88 waits in wings, witnessing fat/sassy James Harrison mock Mohamed Massaquoi and Massaquoi family name — IG-88 will restore pride to Massaquoi variety of human being. James Harrison and Harrison clan will run for earthen hills following IG-88′s appearance in atmosphere. Pittsburgh Steelers warned: Begin go-forward action-plan for life POST-HARRISON. IG-88 burns toward solar system EVEN NOW and hides in shadows prepared to DROP HAMMER on Steelers me-first, me-only defender James Harrison.
IG-88 plans full termination of PA-sourced bully. (Source: New York Times)
15
Apr
2009
5 things intergalactic bounty hunter IG-88 *MUST* terminate in 2009
Interstellar hit-droid IG-88 does not mince words nor motives. He has determined that some elements of the 2009 NFL season are TOO ANNOYING to tolerate, and must be REMOVED.
BACKSTORY from http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/IG-88
“IG-88 was an assassin droid line designed by Holowan Laboratories. The IG-88 line was a derivative of the IG-100 MagnaGuard droid. IG-88 later became one of the galaxy’s most infamous bounty hunters. However, the bounty hunting was just a cover for the droid’s grand plan—the Droid Revolution.
There were only four made, all identical. Moments after activation, the original massacred the scientists and transferred his consciousness into the other three. They then escaped the lab. It is possible it was the droid’s incompletely formed identity that made him obsessed with hunting and killing.”
REPEAT: IG-88 CANNOT TOLERATE VARIOUS ASPECTS OF THE UPCOMING CAMPAIGN AND MUST UNCOIL THE FOLLOWING:
(1) TERRELL OWENS ON THE BILLS, AND THE CIRCUS THAT COMES WITH IT. Seventeen weeks of mind-numbing, follow-the-herd pre-game-show segments about TO living it up in Buffalo. Enough said.
(2) The Dallas Cowboys “NEW STADIUM.” MILES BEYOND TEDIOUS.
(3) Browns vs. Steelers on PRIMETIME TELEVISION. STOP WITH THIS. The Browns have not beaten Pittsburgh since 2003, and only three times since 1995. NOT quality television. Please stop airing these wretched games EVERY season on ESPN or Monday Night Football. While it is annoying to NFL fans in general, it is TORTURE for Cleveland fans until their team learns the sheer, basic fundamentals of the game.
(4) RAY RAY.
(5) The *SAFE* Super Bowl Halftime Show featuring performers from 22 years ago. IG-88 WILL NOT TOLERATE.
26
Mar
2009
From the East Emerges Mangenius
This is intergalactic bounty hunter IG-88:
This is Mangenius:
Mangenius has left the metallic storefronts of New York for the football epicenter of the nation—Cleveland, Ohio—to reinstall toughness into a roster that has floated for a decade.
Mangenius from the East.
This is 4-Lom:
4-Lom is a bounty hunter hired by Vader for his technological coldness. The guy has never been comfortable in his own skin (obvious to the reader).
This is Brady Quinn:
Quinn—at this hour—hangs on the fringe. He is full of promise, largely untested, entrenched in a beguiling quarterback duel with the erratic and gangly Derek Anderson. Neither have proven a thing to anyone. Wildly strange times. Ego battles. Bland animals emerging from the forest. A press corps longing for a subject. In the end, it is a scuffle that may amount to nothing, if the team (once again) refuses to compile more than four wins in 2009 and—per the norm—implodes upon itself for the tenth time in a row since returning to the National Football League in 1999.
This is Bossk:
Bossk has spread a wide net across the star system. He is out for blood. (He is also a food critic.)
Circa 1987. This is the Lovely Elizabeth with Randy “Macho Man” Savage:
She is gone—lost to a home-brewed, drug-fueled cocktail. He is elderly now—a memory to all, snapping vaguely into a Slim Jim.
Bounty hunters cross the galaxy as you read this.
Mangenius hovers above a meadow in central Iowa.
King Kong Bundy floats motionless in water.
The autumn looms.
