26
Mar
2011
The NFL Lockout made simple by Taiwanese Animation (VIDEO)
They're implying that the NFL players are fatcats, you see (Image via NMA.tv)
If you, like most Americans, find in-depth investigative journalism to be “just too darn hard”, then this is for you. The folks over at Taiwan’s NMA.tv have been making a name for themselves of late with their series of US news and pop culture “reports”, which are delivered by stilted animation and, unfettered by the rules & confines of factual reporting, often include blatantly slanderous remarks and innuendo.
It was only a matter of time before these modern day Woodward & Bernsteins set their sights on the NFL Lockout, and they have just delivered this hard-hitting expose, which blows the lid off the labor dispute. In it, we learn that due to the lockout, Mark Sanchez is now running an SAT Tutoring business, and that Brett Fave has been forced to open a cell phone shop. And they’re not afraid to tackle the big issues, like how the lockout might affect the sales of chicken wings worldwide, or players (like Big Ben) running amok without the guidance of their clubs. Leave it to the Taiwanese …
You probably also noticed the “Dan Snyder: Asshole” link at the top of the video, which we certainly couldn’t resist. This clip actually does a brilliant job of summarizing the Redskins’ owner’s general incompetence and douchebaggery.
VIDEO AFTER THE JUMP
5
Mar
2011
FRIDAY EVENING NFL OWNERS CONFERENCE CALL: ROGER GOODELL LABOR UPDATE
Goodell texts Ralph Wilson's typewriter from the Madden Cruiser (AP Photo/Rob Carr)
Roger Goodell: ….So essentially, that’s where it stands currently. Do any of you have any questions for me right now?
Ralph Wilson: I can’t see anyone?
Arthur Blank: It’s a phone call sir. So you shouldn’t see anyone.
Bob Kraft: What’s the hold up, Roger?
Goodell: They don’t want 18 games, they are worried about injury. I think if we can agree on the amount of games, the rest will fall into place.
Al Davis: Who’s worried?
Goodell: The players, sir. The people we are negotiating with.
Davis: Negotiate! I once rode the dragon with Howard Hughes, I only eat the beating hearts of unicorns, I sleep upside down in a belfry, I don’t negotiate with anyone!
Kraft: Al, good God, have you ever listened to yourself? You’re losing it.
Davis: Of course, I have only heard the sound of my voice since I had my face laminated in 1987.
Dan Snyder: Why don’t we just keep it at 16 and put this thing to bed.
Jerry Jones: Snyder, why don’t you shut up. You don’t know anything.
Snyder: Whatever, Jerry! Great job with the tickets!
Paul Allen: Hey, let’s work together, boys. I need more money for my mattress. I’m sleeping funny.
Randy Lerner: Have you tried putting some gold bars in there?
Zygi Wilf: Oh that works. Or sometimes I will have some of my servants get in there for the night. The odd shapes of their bodies provides a good night’s rest.
Blank: I find that if you shred the 100-dollar bills before you put them in the mattress, it’s more comfortable.
Goodell: Let’s keep on track. Do you all still want 18 games?
Wilson: Wait, this is a phone? Where is the dial? Is this magic!?
Blank: Sir, it isn’t magic, just a newer phone.
Wilson: Demons!
20
Oct
2009
Mike Shanahan knows better than to coach the Redskins
Even Shanahan can't help you now, Danny Boy
NFL Fanhouse is reporting that Napoleonic Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder has contacted former Broncos head coach Mike Shanahan about possibly replacing current HC Jim Zorn. Fortunately for him, Shanahan knows better than to take command over a sinking ship in mid-season, and turned the job down:
“Shanahan told the franchise there was little he could do in the middle of the season for them and that changing coaches during the season in the NFL rarely works,” a Redskins management source told FanHouse. “Several people that Dan Snyder trusts have suggested, if he makes a move, he should turn it over to secondary coach Jerry Gray. That could still happen.
Finally, someone who is actually making common sense! Someone who realizes you can’t just make wholesale changes to a team in mid-season and expect results. Once again, Snyder thinks he’s playing Fantasy Football, and that he can just switch out coaches & players like they’re batteries, with no regard to team chemistry or consistency.
I for one hope Dan Snyder stays in Washington for a long, long time. As long as he’s there, it’s pretty much a guarantee that the Redskins won’t be a factor in the NFC East. And I’m totally cool with that.
