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NFL WEEK FOUR THOUGHTS AND PICKS: STEVERODGERS EDITION

Don't stare too closely at that necklace if you have sinned recently.

San Francisco @ Atlanta

Mike Singletary seems like a good coach who also happens to be wicked into God. I would find him terrifying if I played for him– especially with that super-sized piece of the true-cross necklace he wears. If I were a millionaire athlete and I had just spent the night before practice doing massive amounts of blow off a hooker’s breasts in a walk-up apartment in North Beach, would I think a biblical lightning storm would shoot out of Singletary’s cross during seven–on-seven drills and strike me dead? I don’t know, but I wouldn’t want to deal with the possibility, and I know that if I were a millionaire athlete I would be doing tons of coke off hookers’ breasts, so it must just be incredibly hard to concentrate on the other team when you spend most of your time just hoping you don’t get hit by a lighting bolt that shoots out of your coaches necklace. Falcons.

Cincinnati at Cleveland:

What I would like is for Mangini and the Townies to come out and play this game in a freak snowstorm and absolutely run the football all over the Bengals. I really would. I would revel in it, yard after yard, snow in the air, goose-bump inducing NFL Films style slow motion shots of cold breath lingering over the line, smash-mouth, Bengal-destroying kind of football. Unfortunately, it will be a beautiful fall day in Cleveland, the leaves will be gently falling from the trees by the Galleria Mall, the October breeze off the lake will give the Flats that certain unplaceable warm smell of nostalgia that brings you to a euphoric state somewhere between magic and loss, while the humble Browns fans drink their beers in front of TVs across Ohio and watch horrified as the Bengals destroy their team so soundly that Mangini will swallow his Kodiak, get the sweats and pass out on the ten yard line while he is being pelted with water bottles and seat cushions that have been lit on fire by understandably berserk fans. Bengals.

It's the lack of a good Chowfense that hurts the most

NY Jets at Buffalo:

I like that Rex Ryan had to get surgery to stop being fat. I like that instead of just not eating, he went and got something done to make his stomach smaller. I am not a dietitian but that seems extreme.  Next time just order 12 Buffalo wings instead of 18, go for a walk maybe, or get some will-power, man up and practice a little Chowfense for once and don’t eat the entire pizza. Regardless, the Bills are in a bad way, so it really doesn’t matter how Rex gets beautiful, they are going to lose and afterwards their fans will shrug their way to the liquor store and proceed to get I-can’t-feel-my life-anymore blitzed in an effort to stop the pain.  Also RIP Trent Edwards… we loved him here and we have no idea why. Jets.

Seattle @ St. Louis:

Pete Carroll used to coach my beloved New England Patriots when I was a kid. I thought he was a skinny Santa Claus and since I wasn’t a hardened bitter alcoholic sports writer from Boston, I could never understand why he made people so upset. He is my third favorite Pats coach behind the affable Dick McPherson and the completely non-affable Belichick. Anyway, I have to go Seattle in this game– as Carroll is always one step ahead these days, either in front of the other coach or the good people at the NCAA trying to figure out if that Jock Jams CD he got from a booster counts as a bribe. Seahawks.

Denver @ Tennessee:

McDaniel’s! Clipboard! Orton! Did you see that Laurence Maroney was traded to the Broncos? That will put a good scare into Tennessee don’t you think, with their Chris Johnson’s, and their Vince Young’s, and their Jeff Fishers fabulous mustache. Titans in this one and it won’t be pretty. Orton will have a lot to think about as he drives his Prius and listens to Rusted Root on his way to practice on Tuesday morning.

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