2
Jul
2010
Oh Sweet Jeebus … Ochocinco gets his own VH1 dating show (TRAILER)
Between NFL stardom, his wildly popular Twitter account and competing on this season of ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars”, clearly, Chad Ochocinco doesn’t get enough attention. So now, the Bengals WR has hooked up with the cupids of cable television at VH1 and gotten his own reality dating show. Ready for the clever title? “Ochocino: The Ultimate Catch”. The show premieres on July 11th, and as you can tell from the trailer above, this is going to be one classy affair.
I’m sure the Bengals organization is thrilled with the way Chad has chosen to spend his off-season. I mean, what better way to prepare for the rigors of the NFL then to follow in the grand tradition of Flavor Flav, Bret Michaels, Tila Tequila and of course, New York, and entertain 85 morally questionably women in a quest for love? Those fools wasting there time at mini-camp sure are suckers, huh?
Ughh … this kind of makes we want to throw up. Let’s face it, Ochocinco is way more likely to catch an STD (or three) than he is to find love on this crapfest of a show. And I don’t even know what to say about Chad’s desperate need for constant attention. This guy seriously needs help.
9
Jan
2010
Ochocinco Lost on Revis Island; Bengals Lose to Jets
Chad Ochocinco makes his 2nd catch in as many weeks against Darrelle Revis (Photo: Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)
Jets all-pro CB Darrelle Revis has once-and-for-all exposed Chad Ochocinco as the loud-mouthed fraud that his is. Today in Cincinnati, on his 32nd birthday, Ochocinco was held by Revis to just 2 catches for 28 yards in the Bengals 24-14 playoff loss to the New York Jets. Last week against the Jets, el Ocho was held to 0 catches for 0 yards. Prior to that game, he had said he’d change his name back to Johnson if Revis shut him down, and then made excuses after the fact that he only played a half so it didn’t count. And today, Revis – who is clearly the best cover corner in the game – was back at it again:
Can we all officially agree that Ochocinco’s act has become tired? Every interview he talks about how he’s the greatest receiver in the game and how he can’t be covered. Yet when it matters most, he’s been decidedly mediocre. Let’s face it, Ochocinco has become a full-time Twitter celebrity and part-time football player. Every week he makes a new empty promise about planned TD celebrations and supposed name changes (Hachi Go, anyone?) … whatever it takes to get people talking about him. And then, after the fact, he pretends it never happened. I’m sure Chad is already preparing a big announcement that he’s challenging a kangaroo to a boxing match. His apologists will say that he’s just having fun, and granted, he’s not exactly hurting anyone. But after these last 2 games, all the crowing in the world can’t distract from the the fact that he’s just not that good anymore. And at some point, you need to be held accountable for the nonsense that comes out of your mouth.
CONTINUE AFTER THE JUMP FOR MORE, INCLUDING VIDEO OF REVIS’ ONLINE REALITY SHOW, “REVIS ISLAND”
8
Dec
2009
Chad Ochocinco changing his name to “Hachi Go”
It’s been a while since we’ve had a good Chad Johnson/Ochocinco story, and apparently his culturally insensitive Sombrero TD celebration on Sunday didn’t get him enough attention this weekend, so … guess who’s planning on changing his name again?
Ochocinco recently announced via his USTREAM that he will legally be changing his last name to “Hachi Go” next year. “Hachi Go” is apparently Japanese for eighty-five and I gotta admit, it’s better than Ochocinco. And it’ll be interesting to see how the league responds to yet another change to his jersey. Although, based on Chad’s minimal grasp of linguistics, I can’t help but wonder what “Hachi Go” really means.
When I entered “eighty five” into Babelfish, this is what it came back with:
八十五
Not very helpful. But when I did a search for “Hachi Go” on the interwebs, I learned that Hachi Go actually means “8-5″ not 85 . “Hachi-juu Go” is 85. So, this would be consistent with his current numerically incorrect surname.
I also discovered this Urban Dictionary definition:
Hachigo
Japanese for 85, “haci” is 8, and “Go” is 5. Refers to the AE85 Corolla/Levin Toyota car of the 80′s. Popular for it’s RWD features and drift setup.
So, essentially Chad is planning on naming himself after a crappy 1985 Toyota Corolla. Sounds like a plan.
(or maybe just eight-five, based on Chad’s understanding of linguistics),
8
Oct
2009
Ochocinco’s next endzone celebration: the Ricky Bobby
Ochocinco promises to do a little "Shake n Bake" this Sunday against the Ravens
Bengals WR Chad Ochocinco had his weekly conference call with the media yesterday, and per usual, he took the opportunity to stir the pot as much as possible heading into Sunday’s match-up with the Baltimore Ravens.
Among other things, according to the Baltimore Sun, Ochocinco said he’d hit Ray Lewis in the mouth, called Ravens CB Domonique Foxworth “Vivica Foxworth”, and even challenged LB Terrell Suggs to a boxing match.
But when Ochocinco guaranteed to score a TD, and then do the “Ricky Bobby” to celebrate - in reference to one of the greatest comedy films of our time, Talladega Nights - that’s when our ears perked up:
“When I score, which you know I will do, I have a special thing. It’s called the Ricky Bobby. It should be really nice. It’s a rule-breaker. I did send the NFL the fine money ahead of time.”
So are we to assume that Chad is going to strip down to his tighty whities and run around the field like he’s on fire? Will he sit down in the endzone and deliver the world’s greatest pre-meal grace?
As much as I’d like to believe that either of these were possibilities, my guess is that it has something to do with a recent hop-hop track (and accompanying dance) from some guy I’ve never heard of D-Hamp, entitled “Do The Ricky Bobby”.
If it’s the latter, that would be, like, WAY less funny.
Continue reading after the jump for video of “Do The Ricky Bobby” and the Family Dinner scene from Talladega Nights.
5
Oct
2009
Ochocinco takes Twitter fans out to dinner
For all the jackassery he exhibits on a regular basis, as far as I can tell, Chad Ochocinco would probably be a pretty cool guy to hang around. He’s clearly certifiably insane (you know, in a fun kinda way), and I certainly wouldn’t want him on my team … but he seems like he’d be fun to hang out with.
Last night, to celebrate the Bengals overtime victory over their in-state rival Cleveland Browns, Ochocinco made the following Twitter post:
Anybody in Cincy want to join me for dinner, headed to J Alexanders in Hyde park, dinner on me
Ochocinco later posted this photo of himself with about 20 Bengals fans who took him up on the offer:
Ochocinco celebrating with his Twitter nation
I count 20 dudes and 2 women in that photo. Sweet ratio.
But seriously, that’s pretty effing cool of Chad. Can you imagine something like this happening with your favorite athlete? He even posted a photo of the bill, which was surprisingly light all things considered. I mean, if I went out to dinner with an NFL player, you’d better believe I’d be getting myself more than a burger and chicken fingers.
Check out the photo of the bill, after the jump
24
Sep
2009
Shocker: Ohocinco planted Bengals fans in Lambeau
Benglas fan Mike Berg & his friends hooked up with Ochocinco on Twitter to make his Lambeau Leap dreams come true (Photo: AP Images)
This past Sunday in Green Bay, when Bengals WR Chad Ochocinco hauled in a TD pass from Carson Palmer, time stood still for a moment. The Twitteriffic Bengals WR had predicted that he would do the Lambeau Leap after scoring on the Packers home turf, and now fans everywhere were waiting to see if he would have the cajones to do it. After all, doing the Riverdance as an endzone celebration is one thing, but mocking the long-standing Packers tradition (of leaping into the awaiting arms of their fans) seemed like it might be a bit much.
So after crossing the goal line on an 13-yd score in the third quarter, all eyes were on Ochocinco. I mean, where would he leap? Certainly no self-respecting Packers fan would welcome Ochocinco’s presence in their section. More than anything, I was curious to see just how much beer and bodily fluid would be hurled at ol’ “eight-five” if he attempted the jump.
After confirming with the officials that the TD would stand, sure enough, Ochocinco jogged toward the back of the endzone, and held up his hands in prayer, as if to beg the Green Bay faithful to allow him to breach their hallowed stands. No dice. But then, Ochocinco turned to his right and sprinted toward a bright flash of orange among the sea of green and yellow, where he found a few Cincinatti fans to embrace him.
If it all seemed a little too convenient that Ochocinco happened to find a group of Bengals fans sitting in the front row at Lambeau Field … well, hold onto your hats, because it wasn’t an accident.
Earlier in the week, Ochocinco had hooked up with a few Bengals fans via Twitter, and set the whole thing up. Mike Bergs of Evanston, IL was the recipient of 4 free end zone seats for Sunday’s game, so he brought 2 of his Bengals buddies with him, dressed up in their brightest and most visible orange garb. And the rest, as they say, is history.
Here’s what Bergs had to say of the experience, From the Milwaukee Journal Sentinal:
“We’re thinking, OK, that would be great if it comes together, but you know how it is. He’s got to score in our end zone. Heck, he’s got to score, period, and find us in the heat of the moment. We knew there would be a ton of other Packer fans around,” Bergs told me Tuesday.
“When he started making his way toward us, we knew it was on,” Bergs said. “His face. I wish I could have been shooting a camera at him. The smile on his face was from ear to ear. He was so excited.”
Surprisingly, Bergs said that the majority of Packers fans were polite & friendly toward them, with some even stopping to get their photos taken with the recipients of the first-ever visitor’s Lambeau Leap.
29
Aug
2009
Living in oblivion
Because you care: My fantasy football draft gets underway in 2 hours and 28 minutes.
There’s an undercurrent of self-defeat in all of this.
After last season’s debacle, I promised to never to play fantasy again.
Reason #1: My teams have sucked horribly, painfully, year after year. Some of the worst fantasy teams ever assembled—last season ended with somebody named Chet Orley-Francine at quarterback and Aunt Jemima running the ball.
Reason #2: I just couldn’t get past the fact that I was a 35-year-old man who was regularly unsettled about my “team,” it’s riddled lineup, and inability to “win football games” on my computer.
As my contingent of oft-injured, mid-tier clowns tanked week after week, I felt my rich disdain for the entire operation bloom.
One thing about fantasy: it seems to me that if you get out of the gate slow, with a bunch of players unable to find themselves, you have about as much a chance at outshining your peers as Lauren Conrad at a Mensa convention.
"LC" and fantasy football contribute equally to this society.
My 2008 fantasy start was grizzly. I lost my opening three games by a combined four points–two of those games were lost by a fraction of a point. The scoring system was such where a runningback, for instance, could score 22.7 points in a game (suggesting–to me, at least–that this entire process took itself far too seriously). By Week Four, it was over: I lost by 70 points, the victim of my own poor administration (I was out of town for the weekend, and mistakenly started three bye players, a mid-malaise Chad Ochocinco, and Chelsea Clinton). Sitting at 0-4, looking up at a flock of 4-0 and 3-1 teams, my Matt Schaub-led band of hobby horses spiraled violently downward.
This Schaub guy (who I’m told, again, is a “sleeper”) drove me to drink. Week after week, he sabotaged my fake team: I’d play him and, in real life, he’d get the flu ten minutes before gametime, leaving the quarterback slot VOID. Thanks, Matt. So, I’d sit him, and he’d come in—randomly—and throw three touchdowns. I’d fall for it, play him the next week, and he’d burn up the field for 47 yards. By Week 8, I was floating.
I have a hard time imagining my grandfather, fresh out of World War II, deciding to spend his fall playing fantasy football. It certainly speaks to the complete ease most of us live in today. I’ll get flamed for suggesting that we’re in “languish” mode—yes, yes, I know: many adults who spend way too much time twiddling around with their fantasy football lineup also hold successfully hold down full-time jobs, engage in relationships as parents and spouses, and contribute to a local charity (or tavern). That said, I just can’t get past the absurdity of it all. Human beings were meant for more than this.
21
Aug
2009
Ochocinco takes over Bengals kicking duties vs Pats
If you didn’t watch last night’s Bengals/Patriots pre-season game closely, you might have missed it. Toward the end of the 2nd quarter, WR Chad Ochocinco stepped in as the emergency kicker to handle the extra point duties for Cincinnatti.
Watch here, as he kicks the winning point in the Bengals 7-6 victory:
Not bad. Right through the uprights, and he landed his kickoff inside the 10!
Ochocinco claims to be a lifelong fan of soccer, and while he has practiced kicking during practice before, he had never before been called to do it in a game. But when K Shayne Graham came up sore in pre-game warmups, the Bengal’s all-time leading receiver was up to the challenge:
(Photo: AP)
“Esteban Ochocinco is back, the most interesting footballer in the world,” Ochocinco said. “Everyone has to remember, I’ve always said that soccer is my No. 1 sport. I think Ronaldinho would be proud of me right now.”
“Soccer’s my first love, Kicking’s easy … like riding a bike,” he said. “I can kick them from 50, 60 yards, left or right hash mark. “I kicked all through high school.”
Child, please!
Yeesh … if that was the best highlight from that game, I’m glad I missed it.
25
Jun
2009
Shawne Merriman may actually kill Chad Ochocinco
UPDATED w/Ochocinco’s Video Response to Merriman
Apparently Chad Ochocinco is all hopped up on tough guy juice lately, as he’s been picking fights (via twitter) with all sorts of people this off-season. There’s a whole deeper story here about the impact Twitter is having on society, and athletes in particular … but we’ll save that for another time.
Chad’s latest target was Chargers LB Shawne Merriman … and let’s just say Shawne didn’t take kindly to Chad calling him out [via Shutdown Corner]:
In case you’re curious as to what got Shawne so riled up (aside from his normal regimen of ‘roids), take a look at Ochocinco’s recent twitter posts:
- Somebody please tell Shawne Merriman thats is ass on Dec. 20th, relay the message to the rest of the D, especially Cromartie!!!!child please
- @shawnemerriman damit i didnt stutter, i never held my tongue before, you heard me loud and clear, and we can get in the boxing ring to
- CHILD PLEASE, is the word for the day, Shawne Merriman tryin to stop Ocho Cinco, CHILD PLEASE, better chance at finding Osama!!!
- Headed to the boxing gym, deal with Mr. Merriman when i return, talking about ringing my neck out, yo lights gone be off permenantly!!!!
- Damit people how do i get the camera on my mac book pro to work, its my turn to talk trash
CHILD PLEASE!!! This is fascinating stuff right here, folks. Apparently Chad’s boxing training has inflated his courage a bit, and twitter is giving him a platform to post every unfiltered synapse fired by his tiny, tiny brain. I have a feeling he’s going to get himself into some trouble one of these days … Merriman seems dead serious.
16
Jun
2009
Artie Lange takes over “Joe Buck Live” premiere on HBO. Rest of show mediocre.
This HS photo of Joe Buck (yellow shirt) with actor Paul Rudd (on the left) might have been the most interesting part of the show
I tuned into the premiere of “Joe Buck Live” on HBO last night for a few reasons:
- I’m a fan of Bob Costas and enjoyed his show. So I’m hoping Buck provides at least one third of the quality sports journalism that Costas did (it’s not looking good)
- Brett Favre was Buck’s first guest, and I wanted to see what lies the waffling prick was going to spout to the nation this time
- I was desperately trying to avoid watching the Bachelorette with my girlfriend
Overall, I thought the show was just okay. Buck was clearly trying WAY too hard to be funny, and was taking himself too seriously all night. Despite the fact that Favre said he’s “maybe, considering” playing in the NFL this season, (ed. note: who cares) the rest of the interview pretty much went nowhere, and the Michael Irvin/Chad Ochocinco conversation about athletes as celebrities in the media was about as self-serving for those two a-holes as expected.
The most interesting moments came toward the end of the show with the non-sports panel of Paul Rudd, Artie Lang, and Jason Sudeikis. Lange – who was more than likely drunk or high or both – pretty much took over the segment, and had Buck squirming in his chair the whole time. It was fantastic! Lange wasted no time in going right for the jugular with a coc#sucker joke at Buck’s expense. He never stood a chance.
My favorite part of the entire episode was when Lange – who is a Giants fan – used the stage to curse out the Cowboys in front of Irvin, and make fun of Tony Romo for a good minute. He then uses full 2 minutes (of an 8 minute segment) to tell a joke about Joe’s dad Jack Buck, and lights a cigarette before Buck manages to awkwardly steer the conversation over to his childhood pal Paul Rudd. And despite his best efforts, you could tell Buck was getting pissed off, and he came off as an uptight wuss in the face of Lange’s curse-filled diatribes.
Update – HBO pulled the videos down from YouTube, but here is the entire Lange/Rudd/Sudeikis segment. If you haven’t seen it, enjoy:
[by bobsblitz]
2nd Update – Here is the full post-show segment that was filmed for HBO.com only.
Lange continues to be relentless, but Buck comes off much better in this clip. I guess he loosened up once the cameras were off and he accepted what was happening. And thank GOD Paul Rudd and Jason Sudeikis was there:
After the Jump,SI.com has an article on the segment, including Buck and HBO’s response to Lange’s behavior:
