5
Mar
2011
FRIDAY EVENING NFL OWNERS CONFERENCE CALL: ROGER GOODELL LABOR UPDATE
Goodell texts Ralph Wilson's typewriter from the Madden Cruiser (AP Photo/Rob Carr)
Roger Goodell: ….So essentially, that’s where it stands currently. Do any of you have any questions for me right now?
Ralph Wilson: I can’t see anyone?
Arthur Blank: It’s a phone call sir. So you shouldn’t see anyone.
Bob Kraft: What’s the hold up, Roger?
Goodell: They don’t want 18 games, they are worried about injury. I think if we can agree on the amount of games, the rest will fall into place.
Al Davis: Who’s worried?
Goodell: The players, sir. The people we are negotiating with.
Davis: Negotiate! I once rode the dragon with Howard Hughes, I only eat the beating hearts of unicorns, I sleep upside down in a belfry, I don’t negotiate with anyone!
Kraft: Al, good God, have you ever listened to yourself? You’re losing it.
Davis: Of course, I have only heard the sound of my voice since I had my face laminated in 1987.
Dan Snyder: Why don’t we just keep it at 16 and put this thing to bed.
Jerry Jones: Snyder, why don’t you shut up. You don’t know anything.
Snyder: Whatever, Jerry! Great job with the tickets!
Paul Allen: Hey, let’s work together, boys. I need more money for my mattress. I’m sleeping funny.
Randy Lerner: Have you tried putting some gold bars in there?
Zygi Wilf: Oh that works. Or sometimes I will have some of my servants get in there for the night. The odd shapes of their bodies provides a good night’s rest.
Blank: I find that if you shred the 100-dollar bills before you put them in the mattress, it’s more comfortable.
Goodell: Let’s keep on track. Do you all still want 18 games?
Wilson: Wait, this is a phone? Where is the dial? Is this magic!?
Blank: Sir, it isn’t magic, just a newer phone.
Wilson: Demons!
20
May
2009
Michael Vick Flies the Coop
Michael Vick is out of prison, and now has a lot of work to do in order to repair his image.
Former NFL QB and convicted dog murderer Michael Vick left Leavenworth Prison in Kansas early this morning, managing to evade the throngs of media waiting for him outside the jailhouse. Vick headed to his home in Hampton, VA, where he will finish serving out the last 2 months of his 23-month sentence under home confinement. He will also work a $10-an-hour construction job and remain under federal surveillance.
Vick’s PR machine is already full swing, trying to make a case to Roger Goodell that he is worthy of reinstatement. Oh, to be the soulless devils who make their living working on such a noble cause … I bet they sleep well at night.
Anyway, there’s TONS of coverage on this story out there this morning, so I figured I’d pass along a few links to some of the most interesting pieces we found:
- ESPN’s John Clayton speculates on the 5 teams Vick could end up with
- Falcons Owner Arthur Blank says Vick Needs To Get New Friends [NFL Fanhouse]
- Shutdown Corner examines 4 other NFL Athletes who may or may not be worse than Michael Vick. Jerramy Stevens, anyone?
- Humane Society to work with Vick after his release [Sports Illustrated] … let’s just hope they have the same common sense as PETA did.
- Is Vick seeking a deal for a post-prison reality show? [Reuters]
