Ben Roethlisberger's apartment was quite a challenge for Stanton and Menotti.

Nathaniel Stanton: Stanton and Menotti Contemporary Interiors, Nathaniel speaking.

Ben Roethlisberger: Hi, I’m calling to see if I could hire an interior decorator for my apartment.

NS: You have come to the right place! What is your name, sir?

BR: Ben Roethlisberger. My friends call me Big Ben.

NS: Outstanding!

BR: I play football for the Steelers.

NS: This is the game with all the men and the tight pants?

BR: Uh… yeah, I guess.

NS: What a delight! Do you have a particular look you would like for your apartment? Maybe something to design around? Art perhaps?

BR: Well, I have a Beers of the World poster and a collection of Fatheads.

NS: A Fat Head?

BR: These large, stick-on football players. You put them on your wall.

NS: So a Maximalists, perhaps. Do you have any furniture that you would like to keep? Just trying to get a sense… Would hate to give you English Chintz when you might really be looking for Neo-Bachelor Minimalism, if you know what I mean.

BR: I don’t think I have anything I need to keep. Oh that’s not true, I bought a replica of Dumbledore’s chair from the Harry Potter movies. I like to sit on that chair with a bucket of hot chicken on my lap and search for foreign nudie movies on Netflix streaming and make my way through a 12-pack.

NS: An heirloom piece… I see. We must keep it. Do you entertain?

BR: Well, sometimes Hines will come over and cook me dinner if we have had a tough practice. He likes to put on an a tiny apron and make a roast. We unwind together. He calls it, “us time.” I also will sometimes just call random numbers at the college and if a girl answers, invite her over.

Nathaniel creates an inviting, minimalist bedroom while still highlighting Big Ben's favorite Fathead from his extensive collection. (Photo: Nathaniel Stanton)

NS: It almost sounds like you might do well with Amherst Fraternity Casual, a mix of high and low pieces, a masculine presence, almost Scandinavian youth hostel if you will, where you could spill a Natural Light and not worry about it, but one where you would feel comfortable slipping on some silk pajamas and having a nice glass of merlot with your intriguing friend Hines on an indulgent couch upholstered in the finest Austrian mohair.

BR: That sounds like it exactly.

NS: Smashing! I think it might be best if I make a trip over with some measuring tape and my pad and see if we can’t come up with something that fits your lifestyle. We have to get the colors right. Maybe something emerald, indigo, or maybe we just go with goats eye. The floors will have to be lacquered black…or white, something that you could easily mop up if someone vomits, but so shiny you could see up a co-ed’s skirt.

BR: Get out of my head Nathaniel!

NS: We are simpatico! When can I pop over?

BR: Any time is fine. My schedule is currently wide open.

NS: See you tomorrow afternoon; get ready for some fabric samples!

Al Davis projects lockout letter on the big screen from his underground lair (photo: AP)

OAKLAND RAIDERS
1220 Harbor Bay Parkway
Alameda, CA 94502

March 11, 2011

Dear [Player Name]:

This is to inform you that the Oakland Raiders (“Club”) will institute a lockout of its players (“Peasants”) as of 12:00 a.m. Eastern time on March 12, 2011.

During the lockout, the following will be in effect:

1. You will not be able to enter any Club facility or the stadium. Mr. Davis will be monitoring you via satellite from his secret underground lair. If you are even seen in the parking lot, you will be immediately incinerated with either a laser beam fired from space or a cannonball blast.

2. You will not receive any compensation from the Club. Contracts, however, will be honored for those bringing Mr. Davis the severed heads of either Lane Kiffin or Jon Gruden.

3. The Club will not pay for or provide health insurance. You will receive additional information about options to continue your current coverage through COBRA. Please note that COBRA is in a pitched battle with G.I. Joe and it might be some time before you hear from them. If you need assistance, please contact the plan administrators, Zartan or Serpentor, through the Hasbro Corp. via sealed diplomatic pouch.

4. You will not be able to perform any duties under your Player Contract or otherwise perform any duties for the Club. Those of you who made extra money digging up graves seeking fresh bodies for Mr. Davis’ cloning experiments may continue to do so, as that is considered an Outside Contract and essential for his plan of world domination.

5. Testing and treatment obligations under the Policy and Program for Substance of Abuse and Policy on Anabolic Steroids and Related Substances will cease. Gamma (Dr. Banner), Cosmic Ray (Dr. Richards) and Super Soldier (Dr. Erskine) treatments do not fall under this category, and will continue unabated.

6. The Club will not give you further instructions or guidance as to workout or trainings. This will not be any different from how we do things normally.

7. Club security and player development staff will not assist you with legal or any other problems. If such services are needed, Mr. Davis recommends any of the following: Matt Houston, Thomas Magnum, Simon and Simon, or the fictional comic book characters Luke Cage and Iron Fist.

8. During the lockout, the explosive tracking chips that Mr. Davis installed in your neck will be deactivated. Please be aware that extreme temperatures and moisture can result in chip malfunction and explosion. We apologize for any inconvenience or anxiety this may cause.

9. You are free to engage in any alternative employment during the lockout. Any services provided to Communist, Socialist, Mormon or Werewolf organizations, however, will not be tolerated and you will be hunted down and killed by Mr. Davis’ loyal band of ninja assassins (“The Autumn Wind”). Once a new labor agreement is reached between the NFL and the Union you may be expected to join the Club immediately. Therefore, you should structure any alternate employment so you can return to the Club promptly after a new labor agreement is reached.

If you have any questions, please contact the blood-sucking stooges that run the NFL Players Association.

Sincerely,

Al Davis
Owner/General Manager
Oakland Raiders
19^th-Level Warlock

P.S. Please remember that if an agreement is reached, the first Thursday of each month is Hawaiian shirt day, and I expect 100 percent participation this year. Davis out!

Goodell texts Ralph Wilson's typewriter from the Madden Cruiser (AP Photo/Rob Carr)

Roger Goodell: ….So essentially, that’s where it stands currently. Do any of you have any questions for me right now?

Ralph Wilson: I can’t see anyone?

Arthur Blank: It’s a phone call sir. So you shouldn’t see anyone.

Bob Kraft: What’s the hold up, Roger?

Goodell: They don’t want 18 games, they are worried about injury. I think if we can agree on the amount of games, the rest will fall into place.

Al Davis: Who’s worried?

Goodell: The players, sir. The people we are negotiating with.

Davis: Negotiate! I once rode the dragon with Howard Hughes, I only eat the beating hearts of unicorns, I sleep upside down in a belfry, I don’t negotiate with anyone!

Kraft: Al, good God, have you ever listened to yourself? You’re losing it.

Davis: Of course, I have only heard the sound of my voice since I had my face laminated in 1987.

Dan Snyder: Why don’t we just keep it at 16 and put this thing to bed.

Jerry Jones: Snyder, why don’t you shut up. You don’t know anything.

Snyder: Whatever, Jerry! Great job with the tickets!

Paul Allen: Hey, let’s work together, boys. I need more money for my mattress. I’m sleeping funny.

Randy Lerner: Have you tried putting some gold bars in there?

Zygi Wilf: Oh that works. Or sometimes I will have some of my servants get in there for the night. The odd shapes of their bodies provides a good night’s rest.

Blank: I find that if you shred the 100-dollar bills before you put them in the mattress, it’s more comfortable.

Goodell: Let’s keep on track. Do you all still want 18 games?

Wilson: Wait, this is a phone? Where is the dial? Is this magic!?

Blank: Sir, it isn’t magic, just a newer phone.

Wilson: Demons!

Lerner: I worked it out. I think we should go to 20 games. I think the Browns fans are ready to see our brand of exciting football for 20 games.

Steve Bisciotti: Ha! Good stuff, Randy. Good stuff. Your team is terrible.

Wayne Weaver: My fans aren’t ready for 18 games. Do you know some people actually move to Jacksonville? Have you been there? It’s like living in a homeless man’s mouth. It smells like the seventh day of a cholera outbreak.

Davis: I once had four homeless men killed on a private island by a Predator monster. I also had one be our receivers coach one year. I also drink Mormon blood for breakfast.

Kraft: Al, how are you even alive?

Bud Adams: I think hobos are spectacular! I used to take day trips to a Hooverville as a child when the zoo was closed. My father promised he would buy me a hobo. He never did.

Wilson: My dad bought me one. Texas Slim was his name. I used to dress him up like FDR, then I would put him in a wheelchair and push him down a hill. Such fun.

Kraft: You have to be kidding… Roger, it’s 18 games or a lockout.

Dan Rooney: Agreed. Don’t listen to these lunatics.

Davis: Rooney, show some respect, your father and I once bedded a trailer full of circus freaks in Akron after a two-day coke binge. Your father had some moxie, unlike you, young fellah.  You should have seen him, took the bearded lady for the team. It looked like he was having sex with Gandalf!

Rooney: Oh, God…

Kraft: Dan, your father did not have sex with a circus performer.

Davis: He did, he was like man possessed!

Blank: Enough Al!

Goodell: Okay, let’s call it a meeting. All in favor of staying on the present course?

All Owners: Aye

Davis: Nay! I’m moving the team to Stockton!

Goodell: Anything else?

Wilson: I haven’t pooped in a week!

Goodell: Very productive, Ralph. Goodnight everyone.

Cutler secretly journals in his helmet during practice (Photo: Chris Sweda, Chicago Tribune)

Monday January 17

Playing Packers on Sunday. Papers are calling this a big deal. I am the only one in the locker room that reads the paper.  Tribune is a rag. The Packers uniforms look stupid. I might have pancakes for dinner.

Tuesday January 18

Eating a Chipotle burrito. Reading nutritional content. Wildly caloric. Not surprising how fat the women are in this town.  Does not explain overall stupidity, however.  Spent some time last night watching tape of Packers. One of their linemen looks like a G.L.O.W. wrestler. Possibly shaved armpits. The world is going down the crapper one shaved manpit at a time.

Wednesday January 19

Urlacher gave a speech at the end of practice. Wasn’t listening. Distracted by strange cracks in locker room ceiling. Poor paint job. Shoddy union work. Players seemed fired up when he was done. Slipped out the back door when no one was looking. Sat in car in the parking lot. Listened to an old mix tape from old Vandy girlfriend. Counting Crows. The players stream out into the lot. A lot of the guys on the team drive really stupid cars.

Thursday January 20

Parents forwarded me a column from espn.com about me by some hack Rick Reilly. Parents still have AOL account. Print out and read article while in the hot tub. I remember Elway, very equine-shaped head. Very successful owner of car dealerships. I did not realize he was a football player. Just another thing Shanahan could not explain succinctly. Martz comes by drinking tea. He nods at me. Have ignored him since week 6 and life has been better for it.

Friday January 21

Spend evening with girlfriend. When she falls asleep head downstairs to watch TV. NFL Films is showing old Packers/Bears games. Make turkey sandwich and drink a glass of sodium-packed Spicy V-8. Watch grainy film and read poorly written scouting reports until I get tired and then go to bed. Even scouting reports on the Packers are boring.

Saturday January 22

I can tell that some of the guys are getting nervous about game on Sunday. Have to tell one of the receivers what the route is on simple audible during walk through. Gather the offense around me before heading into locker room. I tell them tomorrow is just another game. I tell them the Packers are idiots with shaved armpits and have a bush-league coach that couldn’t solve a crossword puzzle in a Highlights magazine much less come up with a plan to stop our offense.  I look them in the eye for the first time all season, every single one of them, I promise them that we will win the game. When we break I notice the turf, as usual, looks like it has been taken care of by a drunken cadre of moronic, blind groundskeepers.

Sunday January 23

Wake up early. Write check to children’s hospital. Read paper. Girlfriend makes me toast. Poorly. Drive car the long way to stadium. Bears flags fly from apartment windows and from car antennas. Whole city seems to be wearing our jerseys. I even see an attractive woman amongst the general flab.  She is pushing her young son in a stroller.  He is holding a stuffed bear and smiling. I smile too. It will be a pleasure to beat the Packers today. What a stupid team.

Eric Mangini on the road (photo: Allen Ginsberg)

Two years in Cleveland. The family trips to the Galleria mall downtown. The office where you met Mike Holmgren for a final time. He spoke to you about Al Haig, you were barely listening, the snow was falling outside his window. You were thinking of Brian Daboll, with whom a lifetime ago you once drank 12 beers in a Flats bar, hats on your heads, anonymous in the din. Later that night you found a bodega open. You bought a tin of chew and sat on the curb like teenagers, eating Andy Capp salsa fries, drinking canned High Life and speaking about the AFC North.  The police officer writing the ticket recognized you and called a cab. Good luck coach, he said, and opened the yellow door for you, Cuban music blasting in the night.

You were thinking about Brady Quinn, who you knew at first sight had no business on an NFL field. Of Derek Anderson, who just couldn’t seem to get it, and the time when he admitted he had no idea what a zone cover was, that he just throws it to the open guy. Now you think of the drunken voicemail from Bill that you didn’t save and he doesn’t remember – he said you had some pair of  balls, then sadly he said to never lose your way – that you can never, no matter how hard you try, find your way back, and he hung up. The next day you laid the groundwork to trade Kellen and Braylon, with no regrets.

The evening sky in Berea, late night and full of stars heading to your car, no one else awake.  The sound of Rob snoring audibly from a basement window, sleeping on a blanket of crushed chips, and lined-notebook paper covered with pen drawings of strange defenses. The time you told your team at halftime against Pittsburgh that you were going to lock the door, and if they lost they were going to have to drive home in pads. How good it felt to beat Pittsburgh – you thought if this is it, then it was worth it. The locker room jubilant afterward.

Holmgren still talking, now about George Washington. You drop in a chew and try to grasp the tangent he is on, you wonder if the plowman has come to your house yet – maybe you will shovel yourself today. You think of the time in New York Brett had started a snowball fight in the parking lot; the season soon derailed by the same arm that nailed Penny from HR in the shoulder with a snowball.  You think about the Patriots game, two weeks planning, no sleep, Bill stunned afterward, eyes staring though you and into the void. Then the Jets game – if only, that was the season you think. You shake Holmgren’s hand, it was good you say, I am glad to have set the table, and I will always be a Cleveland Brown. You pass a few players in the hallway – it’s business, but you can tell that this season meant something to them, they thank you – they all look you in the eye like men. You call your wife and let her know you’ll be home soon. Just enough time, you think, to hang out with the boys before supper.

The Cleveland Browns. You were a ball boy here once and then you came back as the head coach. You built something here. You built a team that a town could be proud of, the team you always imagined, a team that was almost there.  As you pull out of the gates a man walking his dog yells to you, thanks coach. You smile and say thank you, you turn the radio up loud, then louder, roll the windows down letting in the cold. The Cleveland Browns, you think. You were the head coach of the Cleveland Browns. Foot down hard on the gas, you let out a joyful yell, and proudly thunder into the starry night.

Eric Mangini, coach of the Cleveland Browns 2009-10 (photo: John Kuntz/The Plain Dealer)

Carolina @ Atlanta:

Carolina ends its mess of a season against the Falcons who are having a fine year. They say that John Fox might be tapped to replace Eric Mangini if he is let go in Cleveland. Something about that is wildly depressing and stinks of resigned mediocrity of the new normal: withering job prospects, no assets, low paycheck, massive debt from an education that gets you nowhere, and a marginal chance of your NFL team winning eight games.

Pittsburgh @ Cleveland:

Speaking of Eric Mangini, his under-talented Browns take on the Steelers at home in front of the faithful. Many of us at ReadAndReact headquarters are firmly behind Coach Mangini and feel he deserves one more year to right the ship. The Browns have had a tedious revolving door of coaches and quarterbacks since they re-entered the league. Their fans at this point are listless and battered, wondering why they are being tested by God, and if he will ever show them mercy.  I hope for all those toiling by the lake that the Browns absolutely destroy the Steelers this Sunday, that Holmgren looks deep into his extra large soul and decides to give Mangini one more year. Curses can’t last forever, even the biblical variety, and Mangini might be able to lead this team to the promised land yet.

The process takes longer when God has arbitrarily decided the team you coach has to suffer for 40 years (AP)

Minnesota @ Detroit:

Here’s to Brett Favre for playing football one year too many. Here’s a toast for him being completely himself, whether that is leaping around the field like a 12-year old on a playground or giving a maddening self indulgent, self-serving press conference. It is rare these days for an athlete to show any of his true self, as he will be pillaged for any misstep, wrong turn of phrase, or even smiling on the sidelines by the press, blogs, and fans alike. Favre, unlike the other professionally programmed robots, happily unleashes his id upon us all and, though many times not likeable, it is real and honest. Here’s to one of the best moments of the season, of Favre making a surprise appearance, outdoors in a snowy stadium in Minnesota, leading a touchdown drive like old times, fans delirious, scripted like a movie. Then, as quick as it started, it sadly ends with his head bouncing off the frozen turf.  Favre exits the league leaving fans with a lot of wonderful memories and conflicting opinions as he heads back to his ranch in Mississippi. Perhaps like Cincinnatus he waits for another team to call or maybe he just swims in bathtubs full of money or puts on his Wranglers and heads to the local high school and with joy on his face tosses pass after pass to high school kids running fade patterns, his shadow growing larger and larger as the sun sets red in the evening Mississippi sky.

Oakland @ Kansas City:

The league would be a better place if the Raiders were a better team.  A win on Sunday would bring them to eight wins and  forward on the road to respectability. Kansas City on the other hand is having a dream season, the fans enjoying every moment because they aren’t sure if it’s a dream or if it’s real.

Danny, Wes and Julian celebrate a Patriots victory by jumping up and down on Tom and Gisele's hand crafted $20,000 king sized bed

Miami @ New England:

I like to think of Danny Woodhead as a loveable hobbit somehow pressed into service by the mad wizard Belichik. I imagine every time he gets the ball he screams in fear and is actually just running for his life, giants and monsters around every turn as he higgledy piggledy does his best to dash to safety. I like to imagine that after each game he goes to Tom and Gisele’s apartment and hops on the bed with his pals Wes Welker and Julian Edelman, happy to be alive as Gisele and Tom try on Uggs boots and read long letters from their old friend and leftist poet Randy Moss.

Buffalo @ New York Jets:

The Bills have been meanderingly interesting this year and the emergence of the Fitzmagic and his beard have galvanized a rust belt fan base and has inspired lonely men (and some women) in hunting cabins and ice fishing houses of upper New York to grow out their own beards in solidarity, and quite frankly for something to do. It has also inspired ReadAndReact to attempt to cajole the Amish Rifle to save his truly magnificent beard; please sign our petitionthat implores him that the world needs men with beards and he is a beacon of hope to us all.  We also might create a petition to make the Jets go away. They are a wildly irritating clown show that needs to be taken down and shipped out of town.

Cincinnati @ Baltimore:

Speaking of clown shows, whether it was the poor coaching, play, or just a cavalcade of bad decisions in critical moments, this season has been an utter disaster for the Bengals.  They face a typically well prepared and winning Baltimore team that could probably beat the Bengals with four guys from the practice squad and seven bottles of Gatorade.

Texans fans light Houston on fire after hearing rumors of a possible Gary Kubiak/Wade Phillips team-up/fiasco.

Jacksonville @ Houston:

Trent Edwards is back, baby! A ReadAndReact favorite, this Princeton grad will reach deep into his shallow bag of tricks and pull off a victory. Houston has a lost season and ESPN is reporting they are considering retaining Gary Kubiak and hiring Wade Phillips as the defensive coordinator.  If this happens look for Houston fans to set the entire town on fire and move to the Dallas Metroplex.

NY Giants @ Washington:

The New York Giants need a win to get into the playoffs. The Washington Redskins are starting wild card Rex Grossman, who could throw four TDs or four picks in this must-watch NFC East contest.

Arizona @ San Francisco:

Yikes. Of these two fan bases, the folks by the bay are in much better shape, because no matter how bad the Niners get, or how strange the decision making of ownership, they are secure in the fact they do not live in Phoenix.

"Whatever, Phoenix, I'll be at Mr. Bing's getting hammered on Anchor Steam while you slowly sweat to death." (Photo: Sean Doorly)

Chicago @ Green Bay:

I remember watching Troy Aikman siting on the sidelines after like his 24^th concussion, staring into the distance with a confused look on his face, and Emmitt Smith coming over and siting down next to his old friend like a nurse at the bedside of an invalid patient. I hope Aaron Rodgers remembers that as well – that life is a long time and his bank account is full.  These games in the end mean nothing. Memories, on the other hand, are precious and need to be guarded. If Green Bay wins this they get into the playoffs.

Tennessee @ Indianapolis:

This could be Jeff Fisher’s last game as coach of the Titans. The wheels have not only come off this car, but have exploded. The Titans have looked leaderless and disinterested in earning their paychecks. It has been a long and good run by Fisher, but when it’s time, it’s time. Soon enough, Jeff will be back on an NFL sideline, unless of course he goes back to his former career as a CIA operative in Afghanistan. Either way he will land on his feet, like a mildly irritated, mustachioed, khaki-wearing cat.

San Diego @ Denver:

TEBOW!! I am ordering my jersey as I type this

St. Louis @ Seattle:

From Pete Carroll’s pre-game speech: “All right men, let’s get amped, let’s get pumped up, listen to these Jock Jams, yes, don’t stop believing, yes, toss me the ball, let’s play catch, let’s have a foot race, who can beat me in a race, it’s our last game, it’s football, I am jazzed about this game, I am really jazzed, we are going to play football, it will be awesome, just awesome, give me a high five, everyone high five your neighbor, home crowd, we’re the home team, okay, let’s drink a bunch of soda and get wicked buzzed, after the game we are going to play video games at my house, all night, Madden, Zelda, I got chips, Mario Kart, save the princess, so many chips, all right, put a hand in, this is just awesome, here we go, SEAHAWKS!!!”’

"I love football! Awesome! Yahooo!!!" (Photo: AP)

"The consequences of our actions are so complicated, so diverse, that predicting the future is a very difficult business indeed" - Dumbledore (Photo mashup: AKC)

Three games are left in the season and Eric Mangini once again finds himself in a swirl of rumors about his coaching future after a loss to Buffalo. John Clayton, from the Ministry of Magic, is sharpening his wand and throwing out coaching names any chance he gets, predicting the demise of the former boy genius. Meanwhile, the Browns are clearly a team that has improved in every way from the previous year, and who knows what is really going on at Hogwarts; perhaps Dumbledore is happy with his coach, perhaps not, he isn’t saying. One thing is clear, if the Browns can win out, there is a good chance Mangini will be back next year to once again lead the Browns against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

The 1st Deadly Hallow: Bengals

Colt McCoy brings youth and hope in his first game back from a high ankle sprain. The Bengals have two wins, but it’s hard not to believe that they could score 40 points at a moment’s notice. The Browns need to treat the Bengals like the Steelers, take nothing for granted, and pull out all the stops. Lose this game and public sentiment really starts to go south, and Mangini becomes Undesirable Number 1 in Cleveland.

"Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open." - Dumbledore (Photo: Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)

The 2^nd Deadly Hallow: Ravens

This game could go a long way to returning Mangini to Hogwarts. The sad history between these teams might have cursed Cleveland forever. Moving the team of legendary wizards Otto Graham and Jim Brown to the C-List coastal town of Baltimore angered the ancients and they have decided to punish the Browns, even when it is the evil Wizard Modell who is to blame. You cannot predict the behavior of the ancients, but in the alleys and bar stools of the Flats beers will  be raised to the Browns and Mangini for a win against the Ravens.

The 3rd Deathly Hallow: Steelers

If the Browns lost the previous two Hallows, but yet come up and beat the visiting Steelers at home, Mangini will be able to walk out with his head held high. The Steelers might be resting for the playoffs, so the Browns may not have a chance to plant Slytherin hero Ben Roethlisberger into the dirt, but a win against the Steelers is something that all Muggles and wizards of Cleveland can enjoy.

John Clayton from the Ministry of Magic

How many Hallows do the Browns need to win for Mangini to keep his job? What combination? Does it matter? Do I know anything about Harry Potter?  We can only wish Eric Mangini well on his ongoing quest to restore honor and pride to the Cleveland Browns.

Sylvia has some things to say about week 14

Winners in BOLD.

All italics taken from The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath.

Indianapolis @ Tennessee:

“But even as I ran from room to room, trying to close the fourteen or fifteen windows on the side where the rain was coming in, it was too late, and the stills wet with puddles, and the water was collecting in streams along the floor.“

Cleveland @ Buffalo:

“It is the bold, the loud-mouthed, the cruel, the vital, the revolutionaries, the mighty in arms and will, who march over the soft patient flesh that lies beneath their cleated boots.”

Cincinnati @ Pittsburg:

“I have been feeling like a ‘new person.’ Like a shot of brandy went home, a sniff of cocaine, hit me where I live and I am alive & so there. Better than shock treatment.”

Green Bay @ Detroit:

“Another day in Hell”

Denver @ Arizona:

“Get a job. Learn shorthand at night. NOTHING EVER REMAINS THE SAME.”

"See you jerks in night school!" (Photo: AP/Chris Schneider)

Seattle @ San Francisco:

“Please, think – snap out of this. Believe in some beneficent force beyond your own limited self. God, god, god: where are you? I want you, need you: the belief in you and love and mankind.”

Philadelphia @ Dallas:

“How long, since I noticed stars; no longer, now, mere inane pinpricks on a smothering sky of cheap cloth.“

NY Giants @ Minnesota:

“A lifetime is not long enough. Nor youth to old age long enough. Immortality and permanence be damned.  Sure I want them, but they are nonexistent, and won’t matter when I rot underground. All I want to say is: I made the best of a mediocre job. It was a good fight while it lasted. And so life goes.”

Miami @ NY Jets:

“The first day of swelter: grey, wet, warm rain making a slither of streets. A dog barks far off. The milk bottle sweat drops, the butter slumps. The house begins to look untidy again.”

Tampa Bay @ Washington:

“Amazing how money would simplify problems like ours. We wouldn’t go wild at all, but write & travel & study all our lives – which I hope we do anyway. And have a house apart, by the side of no road, with country about & a study & walls of bookcases.”

Perhaps a quiet life of books, study and travel are in Albert's future?

New England @ Chicago:

“Clear air. Bless Boston my birth town. Give me the guts to begin here again my second quarter century life and live to the hilt.”

Kansas City @ San Diego:

“Today is the day. Amid the chatter & breakfasting off all the other patients. I alone am quiet & without food. Yet I feel curiously less worried about losing my appendix then being electrocuted.”

Oakland @ Jacksonville:

“O it is just what we want, say the people. Now I wonder, will they come?”

Sylvia is not impressed with this fan base

Baltimore @ Houston:

“Do you like football?”

Buffalo @ Cincinnati: Pig City vs. the Home of Buffalo wings. Going with God’s favorite football snack on this one. I wonder if TO gets a little excited for this game – does he even remember playing in Buffalo? Did he buy a house? Regardless he is having a bang-up season.

Detroit @ Dallas: The media will needlessly hype Jason Garret because he is the Dallas Cowboys’ coach. However, in the end like all things Dallas he is wildly uninteresting and mediocre. There is no public transportation to Arlington. At least in Detroit you can still catch a bus.

Washington @ Tennessee: I have this strange feeling that Randy Moss and Jeff Fisher will get along. It might not translate into any wins, but I see them after the season on a road trip, two men searching for something intangible, maybe in a old convertible Mustang, listening to mixtapes with complicated cover art from college girlfriends, smoking cigarettes, picking up local girls at honky-tonks, emailing from local libraries along the way.  At night they will drink beer and pass bourbon back and forth on the hood of the car. Silently they will stare into the twilight and let their dreams get lost amongst the stars.

Arizona @ Kansas City: I’d watch this game if I had to. Also the Chiefs coach seems very unlikeable. Take your lumps. If Belichik and Mangini can shake hands, you can too.

How Soon We Forget (source: NFL.com)

Green Bay @ Minnesota: The last hurrah. Brett Favre, the lion in winter. I find America’s newfound dislike of Brett Favre to be predictable and boring. This idea that athletes should know when to retire is daft. Athletes should play until they want to quit or they are cut. If someone wants to pay them a ton of money to play a game for our enjoyment then they should go for it. This game and season will be remembered briefly and then forgotten, and one day not far in the future the cynical adult in all of us will have a moment of clarity and we will remember #4 picking up Donald Driver after a touchdown and bouncing him up and down under a shower of Wisconsin cheers – a pure expression of joy in a sometime overtly serious league, and we will wonder why we decided as a nation to have a collective stick up our asses in 2010.

Houston @ NY Jets: The Texans are one of the teams that you just wonder why they are in the league. They have a Rothko museum in Houston. I can guarantee that staring at a Rothko painting for two hours would do more for your soul and wellbeing then watching the Jets paste this dead-on-arrival franchise on Sunday. Sanchise forever!

Oakland @ Pittsburgh: I am pretty sure that the Steelers will annihilate the Autumn Wind this weekend. I am only picking Oakland because I used to live there, in this old factory across from the Oakland Coliseum. The night they lost the Superbowl a few years back, I woke up to notice outside my apartment that someone had lit a car on fire. The car was burning alone by itself, flickering in the grey light. If Michael Mann were to film it a wolf would have walked by… things like that stick with you.

Baltimore @ Carolina: Do people really care about the Carolina Panthers? Do they have fans?  I don’t get this team. Like the Texans, nobody cares.

Sometimes You Just Need a Chew (source: Justin K. Aller/Getty Images)

Cleveland @ Jacksonville:  Browns need to win this one to keep some solid momentum going. They are beaten up a bit, but hope springs in the steely gaze of rookie Colt McCoy and the Juggernaut Peyton Hillis. I have noticed as of late that Mangini has given up trying to not use Kodiak, now he has got a big chaw in during the game, spitting, getting Kodiak jammed up into his clipboard, in Josh Cribbs’ cleats, just saying to hell with it, and embracing his addiction. I am pretty sure the NFL will send him a memo soon, until then however, I am enjoying it.

Tampa Bay @ San Francisco: Will the Josh Freeman train continue to roll? Will the Troy Smith train get started? Will Mike Singletary deliver a fiery sermon about how only the devil can’t run the ball and then shoot lasers out of his eyes? I don’t know but I do like Troy Smith. I think a lot of teams will be kicking themselves for not picking him up when they had the chance.

Seattle @ New Orleans: Pete Carroll is very excited for this game… he is very EXCITED, he has got the Jock Jams going, he is slapping hands, he is running up and down the charter plane cracking jokes, getting they guys HYPED, these guys are pumped! Unfortunately they still loose; however, after the game they can get blackout drunk on Bourbon Street and forget the whole thing.

"Seriously though, maybe you could call me the Rock?" (Source: AJC.com)

Atlanta @ St. Louis: Don’t mess with Matty Ice! Do they really call him “Matty Ice”? Oh well sometimes you can’t get a do-over when it comes to nicknames. Atlanta is a solid team this year and they will make short work of St. Louis.

Indianapolis @ New England: I am picking the Pats because I am a wicked big homer. I have come around on Tom Brady and his hair. It really is magnificent… I bet all the guys in the locker room want to rub their hands through it, but are afraid that Gisele would have one of her bodyguards slit their throats and then hack them up with a machete.

New York Giants @ Philadelphia: Will Vick continue his march to become MVP this season and will we have to read article after article about his amazing turnaround from jailbird to Eagle? This game will be a good test, can’t say I am pulling for him, but I will be watching. Vick has been nothing short of electric this season.

Denver @ San Diego: Too bad this game isn’t in Denver. I heard that in Denver you can get drunk faster because of the altitude.

You Can Get Hammered in This Town (Photo by Sally Brown)

Don't stare too closely at that necklace if you have sinned recently.

San Francisco @ Atlanta

Mike Singletary seems like a good coach who also happens to be wicked into God. I would find him terrifying if I played for him– especially with that super-sized piece of the true-cross necklace he wears. If I were a millionaire athlete and I had just spent the night before practice doing massive amounts of blow off a hooker’s breasts in a walk-up apartment in North Beach, would I think a biblical lightning storm would shoot out of Singletary’s cross during seven–on-seven drills and strike me dead? I don’t know, but I wouldn’t want to deal with the possibility, and I know that if I were a millionaire athlete I would be doing tons of coke off hookers’ breasts, so it must just be incredibly hard to concentrate on the other team when you spend most of your time just hoping you don’t get hit by a lighting bolt that shoots out of your coaches necklace. Falcons.

Cincinnati at Cleveland:

What I would like is for Mangini and the Townies to come out and play this game in a freak snowstorm and absolutely run the football all over the Bengals. I really would. I would revel in it, yard after yard, snow in the air, goose-bump inducing NFL Films style slow motion shots of cold breath lingering over the line, smash-mouth, Bengal-destroying kind of football. Unfortunately, it will be a beautiful fall day in Cleveland, the leaves will be gently falling from the trees by the Galleria Mall, the October breeze off the lake will give the Flats that certain unplaceable warm smell of nostalgia that brings you to a euphoric state somewhere between magic and loss, while the humble Browns fans drink their beers in front of TVs across Ohio and watch horrified as the Bengals destroy their team so soundly that Mangini will swallow his Kodiak, get the sweats and pass out on the ten yard line while he is being pelted with water bottles and seat cushions that have been lit on fire by understandably berserk fans. Bengals.

It's the lack of a good Chowfense that hurts the most

NY Jets at Buffalo:

I like that Rex Ryan had to get surgery to stop being fat. I like that instead of just not eating, he went and got something done to make his stomach smaller. I am not a dietitian but that seems extreme.  Next time just order 12 Buffalo wings instead of 18, go for a walk maybe, or get some will-power, man up and practice a little Chowfense for once and don’t eat the entire pizza. Regardless, the Bills are in a bad way, so it really doesn’t matter how Rex gets beautiful, they are going to lose and afterwards their fans will shrug their way to the liquor store and proceed to get I-can’t-feel-my life-anymore blitzed in an effort to stop the pain.  Also RIP Trent Edwards… we loved him here and we have no idea why. Jets.

Seattle @ St. Louis:

Pete Carroll used to coach my beloved New England Patriots when I was a kid. I thought he was a skinny Santa Claus and since I wasn’t a hardened bitter alcoholic sports writer from Boston, I could never understand why he made people so upset. He is my third favorite Pats coach behind the affable Dick McPherson and the completely non-affable Belichick. Anyway, I have to go Seattle in this game– as Carroll is always one step ahead these days, either in front of the other coach or the good people at the NCAA trying to figure out if that Jock Jams CD he got from a booster counts as a bribe. Seahawks.

Denver @ Tennessee:

McDaniel’s! Clipboard! Orton! Did you see that Laurence Maroney was traded to the Broncos? That will put a good scare into Tennessee don’t you think, with their Chris Johnson’s, and their Vince Young’s, and their Jeff Fishers fabulous mustache. Titans in this one and it won’t be pretty. Orton will have a lot to think about as he drives his Prius and listens to Rusted Root on his way to practice on Tuesday morning.

Out for a walk with the dog in downtown Detroit.

Detroit @ Green Bay:

Green Bay. As an aside I have seen Detroit from one of the windows at the airport – seems nice. I find it very strange that there is a city in America that is turning into some fantastic science fiction landscape where it is entirely possible to roam for days in an abandoned factory, and maybe meet a mutant to share a can of old beans with over a trashcan fire and nobody seems to really care. I’m not worried though; beer’s still cheap and I got Sunday Ticket!

Carolina @ New Orleans.

I wonder if Jimmy Clausen is a tad concerned about this game. I would be. I would be just walking around my kick-ass rented apartment, drinking coffee, going to the bathroom, trying to remember if Red Lightning Right means to throw to the check down receiver or if it just means to chuck the ball into the stands and cry. I might smoke some cigarettes. Just light up and try to mentally assuage my fear of being physically and mentally destroyed by the Saints defense in front of millions of people by counting all the dollars that are in my bank account.  Saints.

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville:

It’s safe to say that the Colts will really beat the hell out of the Jags. Also Jacksonville (still no team in LA by the way) is apparently in Florida and is a terrible, awful, smelly place to live – unless your Trent Edwards of course, in which case, everything is totally cool. Colts.

Houston @ Oakland:

We haven’t seen enough of that Tom Cable crazy this year. Hopefully sometime during this game Sebastian Janikowski will miss a kick, driving Cable so nuts that he takes off his pants, runs across the field and tries to eat through Janikowski’s helmet. After the game a reporter from the Oakland Tribune will ask Brad Gradkowski what he thought, and he will just say, “Well hell that’s just Tom being Tom, one time he punched a coach right in the face! Wham right in the face. That was crazy!” Houston comes out ahead and Cable gets a massive dental bill. Texans.

Whatever, I'm rich

Washington @ Philadelphia:

Michael Vick is the story of the season so far, but even as you find yourself rooting for him, you think to yourself, “hey, didn’t this guy go out and kill a bunch of dogs?”  On the other hand you have Donavon McNabb retuning to Philadelphia for the first time where he never quite fit in. He’s just too gregarious, mature and bright for Eagles fans, but more than that they could just tell that for Donavon football is just a nice job to have, a job that pays the bills and leaves a little extra each month to purchase a mansion or spring for a new Subway franchise, and that moderate, easy going attitude shit doesn’t fly in Philadelphia. I’m thinking the Eagles will pull ahead in the third quarter as McNabb starts to immediately wonder about a New Yorker article he was reading on his gold-plated toilet, and I will just feel conflicted again as I watch Vick dice up the Redskins defense like some super athletic contestant on Top Chef. Eagles.

Arizona @ San Diego:

Clearly Arizona is going to win this, that way Browns fans can really be upset, not just kind of upset, but the kind of upset that makes you question the very fabric of time and space. The kind of upset that makes you end a conversation with “Just throw vomit at me, no seriously, Ed, just vomit in that ice bucket over there and throw it at me, do you know that Derek Anderson is their quarterback, where is the justice, I just… I mean… my God why was I born in Cleveland?” Cardinals.

No snarky caption needed

Chicago @ New York Football Giants

Two things going on here that point to a massive route by the Blue Men. One, the ever-tiresome Tiki Barber and his giant head says that Tom Coughlin has a “crisis on his hands,” a CRISIS! I can assure you that whatever Tiki thinks then the opposite is true. Two, the media suddenly thinks Jay Cutler and Mike Martz have pulled it together and are about to unleash unholy offensive football hell onto the league. Except people seem to be forgetting that the only thing Jay Cutler has ever pulled together is whatever ensemble he sported at the ESPY’s last year and even then he needed to consult with a stylist.  The Giants eviscerate the Bears in this one and Tiki goes home and writes another children’s book called, “Sometimes You are Wrong All The Time and You Will Never Win a Superbowl” NYFG

New England @ Miami:

One of the things that we in New England like about Bill Belichik is that he has the largest private (or otherwise) library of books about football on the planet. So that means that during the off-season, when other coaches are watching tape, remembering who their children are or getting their stomachs taped, Bill is sitting in a leather chair, eating a bowl of low salt pretzels, drinking a tall glass of American beer and reading about the mythic Western Four Defensive Front invented one fall on the Red Ladder Indian Reservation by Coach Smashing Heads. So naturally that gives the Pats an advantage in every game. However, until Tom Brady gets in touch with his inner back-up QB and cuts that embarrassingly Liverpudlian fancy-boy haircut, the Pats are going to get spanked. It is just not the kind of haircut that you can lead men with… maybe in France, but they don’t play football in France, they just sit around with dumb haircuts, have sex with beautiful woman and lose wars. Dolphins.

Dear Tom Brady, we love you. Come back.

As usual I could be wrong on every game, and I don’t suggest gambling, unless you have a system, in which case then you should go for it.