9
Jan
2010
The Sublime Majesty of Andy Reid’s Utility Belt
I’m pulling for the Eagles this weekend because I cannot get enough of Andy Reid’s strange, black, maybe green, gas station attendant jump-suit outfit. I know that’s not what it is, but he is so rotund and oddly shaped, and he wears what looks to be a utility belt, that it all blends together into one mesmerizing coaching ensemble. My other concern is that he honestly looks to be one of the unhealthiest people ever to be on TV. He might only eat candy and Buffalo wings.
That said, the belt is what I really love about Andy Reid. Does he think he is Captain America? No other coach has to wear a WW II Army belt to hold up his headset. He looks like an insanely large, discontinued G.I. Joe Action figure come to life. It’s mystifying and wonderful.
No one ever comments about this. If I were ever in the booth I would be like:
Steve: Interesting point, John, but can I get a camera on Reid’s belt again… Thanks… What is going on here? What is the story with that belt? Let’s go down to Goose and find out!”
Goose: “blah blah… He told me it’s a BELT, Steve, a BELT. Oh did you hear that hit? You have to be down here to hear it guys. I’m going to walk around the field and pretend to be useful. Back to you guys!”
Steve: “Jesus ephing Christ”
5
Jan
2010
Browns: What is Worth Having Must be Earned
Coach Eric Mangini
Browns fans have been through the fire during the expansion era and during this season. It seems they are finally on the other side– except they aren’t. The men and women of the Flats, wait upon Mike Holmgren’s decision to retain or let go of Eric Mangini. What at once looked like a season of ruin for Mangini now looks like one of the better rebuilding jobs done in recent memory. Not some magical overnight blessing from the football gods that sends the team into the playoffs only to be brought down to earth the next year. No, it was a methodical, brick-by-brick construction job that can only be appreciated by stepping back after the season was finished to see the straight lines, quality workmanship, and effort.
Mangini, like no other coach I can remember, put his head down and stuck to his plan, even while the reporters (Clayton, the Plain Dealer hacks) sharpened their knives, gleefully stabbing Mangini at every turn, their contempt barely contained in their writing. Browns fans understandably impatient, watching at times a football team looking like one of the worst ever and reacting to incorrect reporting and poor analysis, called for his head. Veteran players used to the soft, mincy ways of Romeo Crennell dug their heels in the sand, complained loudly to their agents, who complained loudly to the media, creating a firestorm of bad energy. Randy Lerner, the entirely incompetent owner, without courage, without patience, wanting to prove how much he cares for the Browns fans (although strangely absent from the last two home games) goes out to hire a “credible football leader” in Mike Holmgren, who has the tedious nickname of “Big Show” to be the “CZAR” of football operations. The national and local media celebrate this move.
The Czar (AP Photo)
The hiring of Holmgren may have been a smart move (although there is something wildly mediocre about Holmgren that I can’t put my finger on) in the beginning of the season, or even at the end when the dust had settled and the lockers cleared. It was not a good move, however, done in the midst of a seemingly disastrous season– it was a panic move. It has now created a stomach-turning decision for Holmgren and for the Cleveland faithful, a decision that deep in the fog of a 1-11 season seemed easy. Keep Mangini or let him go. Times have changed.
17
Nov
2009
SportsCenter: The Chattering Din
Goatboy = better than Dilfer (Image: TheSportsHernia)
I was almost done with SportsCenter after Favre un-retired again, but after Monday, I am done. I will not be watching. They are idiots.
First this:
“Why would Favre come back for 20 million, his legacy, he is waffling, the fans, the Jets, blah, blah, blah.” – WHAT THE F$%K!!! IS this Russia? Jesus f*%k. Who in their right mind doesn’t come back for that money, with that running back, and defense, in a dome when he cant play in the cold anymore… how is there even a tiny hole in the move?
The Vikings could go with Farve, or they could have gone with TJ or SAGE F*%KING Rosenfels who is a homeless man’s 2004 Drew Bledsoe. Jesus Christ. No Brett, stay on your farm, stay in your red shorts, and don’t go to a great situation with more money then any of us will EVER see in our lifetimes. Don’t set up your family, and their families, and their families for life, don’t be a wealthy man, don’t take a chance, don’t gamble, and don’t be a f*cking man – F*CK YOU. If I was an athlete that played at the caliber of some of these aging stars, I would play until I was on the bench in the CFL… why quit what you love to do – fail, who gives a shit – Brett Farve, and his family are set for life. What MAN doesn’t do that for his soul as a competitor and his family? Turn down what was is it, 14 million dollars?
Save it for someone else Trent
Trent f%#king Dilfer that’s who. What a small-minded f*ck. I just wow… wow wow wow. SportsCenter is like a Ayn Rand villain – Don’t do what you are good at, even if you fail, because it make US feel bad to see you succeed. What are we Poland?
THEN THIS? This!:
“Why would Belichick, go for it on 4th and two? Why, what an awful move!!” WHAT THE F*CK, the defense is winded Peyton Manning is the new Brady with 2 minutes to go, who the fuck doesn’t think that Brady can’t get 2 yards on a 4th down, and the average NFL play is 4 yards… F*CK YOU! Jesus f**king Christ. Honestly the football coverage on that network is f*cking stupid, always conservative, goes for cheap jokes, and says nothing new. Trent Dilfer… TRENT DILFER doesn’t like what Bill f**king Belichick called? Are you kidding me?
Why would anyone tune into hear that? Why? I know I wont. I wont ever again. Not ever f*cking again. That network is dead to me. ReadAndReact is where I go for news.
10
Nov
2009
A Browns Fan Dreaming: Holmgren Aloft
Marching Towards Cleveland: for Frodo!
Mike Holmgren floats above the sky. He sees taco carts, cans of Tecate, young men in Browns jerseys. He sees the ghost of Otto Graham and they shake hands in the borderlands. They make a promise to get gin and tonics, sidecars and gin fizzy’s, and they stare into the distance. They imagine a different future for the Browns. They are in an old bar in North Beach and the bartender is talking about a suicide pool. The radio clicks on to a college station and a girl with a thin voice is talking about the time she read “Big Sur” in high school and that’s when she decided to go to Berkeley. She now plays “California Zephyr.” A pretty waitress listens and doodles pictures of cats wearing capes on her notepad. Holmgren hears the song and smiles. He remembers the summer he spent working at a YMCA camp in Ely, Minnesota and suddenly he knows that the only place he will be taking the Browns is to the Super Bowl. He finishes his drink, heads out into the fog and diagrams new plays in his mind as he hails a cab to SFO.
Jay Farrar & Ben Gibbard \”California Zephyr\”
7
Nov
2009
Friday Afternoon: Coaches Office – Buffalo, NY
(Image: snacklish.com)
Trent Edwards: Coach, got a minute?
Dick Jauron: Come on in, JP! Getting ready for a three-day weekend, love the bye week! Going to work on my ice sculpture.
TE: It’s Trent… listen, the guys sent me here to talk about the offensive meeting we just had.
DJ: Chowfense!
TE: Yes… about the Chowfense… you see coach, it’s not really an offense, it’s a commercial for a candy bar.
DJ: What? No way… Chowfense! No one is going to be stopping the Chowfense, it’s going to be like the no-huddle, but way more chow, you know. “Watch out NFL… here comes the Chowfense!”
TE: Coach… please, you can’t expect us to…
DJ: Terrell liked it.
TE: Terrell dresses like a pirate and just asked HR to pay him in gold doubloons!
DJ: Oh, good thinking! I’m going to do that too. What’s their extension?
TE: Their extension? Coach… Maybe Ryan should start next week.
DJ: The Yale man? Skull and bones!
TE: Harvard, I think. He went to Harvard.
DJ: Doesn’t matter who starts with the Chowfense, JP! I mean, we could start an English major from Kenyon and the Chowfense would still destroy the other team. It’s airtight! It’s the Chowfense!
TE: Um, okay… listen, I think I’m just going to head home and work on my real estate license.
DJ: Gotta have options!
(Trent leaves)
(Knock knock)
DJ: Come on in.
Terrell Owens: Coach, you ready to ice sculpt?
DJ: Yes!
TO: Arrrrrrrrr!!!
DJ: CHOWFENSE!!!
18
Sep
2009
Friday Phone Call Between Tom Brady and Kyle Orton
Kyle Orton: Hey Tom, it’s me, Kyle. You mind if I ask a few questions?
Tom Brady: No problem, but I don’t have much time. Me and Gisele are headed out to Lake Como to hang out with Matt, Brad and George.
KO: You’re going to Lake Como? You have a game on Sunday!
TB: I’m Tom Brady, I can do anything.
KO: Um, well, I was wondering… Josh McDaniels, he keeps wanting me to hit the open man?
TB: Well…
KO: I mean what the hell, right?
TB: I, uh… that seems reasonable.
KO: You know how difficult that is?
TB: Well…
KO: That’s just crazy!
TB: I think maybe I have to go; the butler has informed me the limo is here.
Gisele [in the background]: Tommy, should I even bring underwear?
KO: Okay, but seriously, he also wants me to watch video! Of the other team! Can you imagine? What is that? I would understand if he wanted me to watch like “Replacements” or something, but game film? What? That’s crazy!
TB: Well… I really have to go.
KO: Okay, I am gonna go drink a TON of beer! You know what I mean? Get NFD, National Football Drunk. You know what I’m saying?
TB: I actually don’t.
KO: I got a 30-pack of Coors, my man. I mean screw McDaniels! I’m going to get HAMMERED!!!!
TB: Bye now.
KO: X-Box, chips and beer! Gonna get lit!! Let’s go Broncos!!!
14
Sep
2009
Buffalo Bills Fieldhouse: Thursday Morning Coaches Office
Trent Edwards: [knocking] Coach, can I come in?
Dick Jauron: Oh, sure, come on in, JP!
TE: Uh, Coach, it’s me, Trent. JP doesn’t play for the team anymore.
DJ: Oh! That’s right. So many players in and out of here, I feel like a doorman at Marshall Fields. Have a seat. I am just going over the playbook, trying to figure out what might work against the Jets on Monday night.
TE: Patriots.
DJ: Exactly! Rod Rust has a good brain, have to watch what he is up to… very tricky man. Best coach in the league if you ask me.
TE: Um… Coach, about the playbook…
DJ: Too confusing? Bit of a brain buster isn’t it!? Holy smokes, hang on to your seats, Patriots!
TE: Well, I was going to say that I was talking to the guys and we were remarking that it seems a little thin. I mean it’s not a playbook, more like a pamphlet, like a long memo or something. There are only 8 plays?
DJ: 16! They can go left or right! Plus we have that hot read audible! As a coach sometimes you have to let your dogs off the leash and make their own choices. I have faith in you, JP! Hot read!
TE: Trent. Don’t you think we could use some more plays, maybe a couple of shotgun formations?
DJ: I’ve been in this league a long time. 16 plays are more than enough. Look at this playbook! My arm hurts just lifting it. I think we will just stick with what’s working.
TE: Working? Our offense is a mess, sir.
DJ: A mess?! We’re good enough for 8 and 8! You know what 8 and 8 is on the Buffalo Bills?
TE: No.
DJ: Employed!
TE: Ah okay… I’ll just get my stuff ready for the flight then. Thanks for listening, Coach. [leaves office]
DJ: Anytime! My door is always open! Now where was I? Rod Rust, you wily old snake! You won’t get me this time!
[knocking]
DJ: JP, is that you again!?
Terrell Owens: Just me, Coach! Terrel! I misplaced me parrot!
DJ: Yellow and Blue? I think I saw him winging around in Turk’s old office. Wow! Your pirate hat is smashing son, absolutely smashing!
TO: Arrrrrrr!
3
Sep
2009
JOHN M. STEPHENS – MY FAVORITE PATRIOTS RB: 2/23/1966- 9/1/2009
Stephens was the 1988 Offensive Rookie of the Year
My favorite player on the Patriots as a kid was John Stephens. This was before I knew that players left teams, got traded, got hurt, or that things would ever change. John Stephens went to Northwestern State, was the 17th pick in the draft in 1988, was the Offensive Rookie of the year, and represented the Patriots in the Pro-Bowl.
I have two favorite memories of Stephens, both faded with time and perhaps faulty. In one, either Steve Grogan, Doug Flutie, or Tony Eason (they all had time that year under center) threw the ball straight to the other team, and the opposing player took off toward the end zone, zipping through the Patriots offense, until he ran into Stephens, who upended him with a WWF-style clothesline that sent him up into the air and straight onto his back. It was marvelous. I think at the time I had no idea it was a penalty until the refs threw about 1,000 flags and awarded the other team like 250 yards. My other favorite memory was a Sports Illustrated picture of him when he was with the Green Bay Packers. It was one of those Green Bay training camp pictures where the players ride kids bikes to the field. John Stephens looked huge on this BMX bike, one hand holding his helmet, the other on the handlebar with a concentrated grin on his face, while smiling kids—happy as kids can get—chased him down the road.
John Stephens is my favorite running back who ever played for the Patriots. He was a beast. I thought as a kid he would be the Patriot’s running back forever. He died Tuesday night in a car accident at 43. He will be missed, and for me when I retreat back to my childhood I will see him as he was, a perfect combination of effort and talent, gracefully running off tackle and into the maw, as I see myself back in my parent’s living room, the autumn leaves falling from the trees, and I cheer as I am still cheering now.
22
Aug
2009
BUFFALO: LATE ONE EVENING AT TRENT EDWARDS’ BEAUTIFULLY APPOINTED LOFT APARTMENT
Trent Edwards’ Girlfriend: Trent, I think the phone is ringing.
Trent Edwards: Baby, what time is it?
TEGF: 2 a.m.
TE: The hell?! [picks up phone]… Hello?
Terrell Owens: Trent… Trent it’s me! It’s me baby!
TE: Terrell – why are you calling? Where are you?
TO: I’m outside! It’s stunning out, but cold, just so cold. Brrrrrrr! Do you think I’m sexy?
TE: What?!
TO: Sexy! I mean, do I turn you on as a football player?
TE: What?!
TO: My hands… I have sexy hands, right? I love to catch.
TE: You do love to catch.
TO: I want to catch you. I want to catch you with my large sexy hands!
TE: I know…
TO: I want to grab you and hold you with my hands! I won’t let go. I won’t let go!
TE: With your hands… are you talking about catching the ball?
TO: Let’s wear the same clothes tomorrow!
TE: What?
TO: Meet me at 6 a.m. outside the field house. I got us two shirts with ponies on them! We are the Buffalo Ponies! You are my plow! Oh and little shorts! We’ll be all bunchy!
TE: Little shorts?
TO: Oh they are so tiny!
TE: Okay.
TO: Okay, see you tomorrow, matey! I’m gonna catch the shit out of you!
TE: Bye. [hangs up]
TEGF: Did he say bunchy sweetie?
TE: He did… [sets alarm for 5:30] Hold me.
9
Jun
2009
Bledsoe Residence: Phone Call from Trent Edwards
Drew Bledsoe: Hullo?
Trent Edwards: Drew! Drew it’s me, Trent Edwards, National Football League quarterback for the Buffalo club.
DB: Oh sure. I played there – wait, what time is it?
TE: Um… I think like 11 a.m. your time
DB: Good grief! I haven’t seen this side of noon since Dallas! It’s kind of nice. I hear birds.
TE: Listen Drew, you gotta help! Terrell is making me crazy!
DB: T.O.? What is that fellow up to now?
TE: He’s following me around the locker room! He keeps wanting to go over “the playbook”!
DB: What’s wrong with that? Could be worse… Hello Mr. Mittens! [ruffled sounds of petting cat]
TE: Yeah, but Drew it’s not the playbook! It’s an old issue of Highlights from like the late 80s!
DB: Highlights! The magazine for school children? Which issue?
TE: Which issue? Which issue?!? The issue is T.O. is a maniac! He gets himself all sudsy and then slides under the shower stalls while we are in them! He says that he is the “shower seal” and he “wants to see some fishies”! I mean… what is that? “Fishies”? It’s unnerving!
DB: Is it one of the theme issues? Like about animals? “Barnyard pals”!
TE: Barnyard…? Drew are you even listening? Oh no! There he is! [whispering] He’s wearing a sailor hat!
Terrel Owens: [in background]: Ahoy Matey! Let’s go over me playbook… Arrrrr!
TE [hissing]: Drew! Help!
DB: Say hello to T.O. for me, Trent! Okay, it’s time for Mr. Mitten’s breakfast! Hmmmm… does that sound good Mr. Mittens?!
TE: Drew?
TO: [in background]: Arrrr! Put down that modern conveyance, landlubber, it’s time to walk me plank!
TE [sobbing]: Drew please… he has a parrot.
Dial Tone: sustained.
