20
Sep
2009
WEBINAR-OFF: Giants v. Cowboys v. Fufkin v. C-O-U-R-T-N-E-Y!
UPDATE: WE’LL BE PERIODICALLY BLOGGING OUR THOUGHTS ON THE GAME IN THE COMMENTS. FOLLOW ALONG.
I lay down the gauntlet early this morning because I know fufkin will need all day to formulate a response to the verbal devastation that follows. To begin with, I lowercase fufkin in an intentional lack of respect, similar to the lack of respect that the giants have shown to Americans (as fans of America’s team) in recent years. At every turn, the giants talk, talk, talk about the Cowboys. The base, verbal diarrhea that falls from brandon jacobs pouty lips is fare usually reserved for pro wrestling and is all part of the lame mystique that the giants–led by THE human embodiment of a clown show in eli womanning– appear to be trying to carve out for themselves. Intimidating? Poppycock: the giants are a laughable collection of men.
Eli Wo-Manning surveys the secondary
And here is why the Cowboys will whup ‘em tonight:
1. JerryWorld- There is an unwritten rule that says “thou shall not lose one’s inaugural game in one’s new stadium”. To ensure that would not happen, Jerry Jones (1) gathered his players during the off-season and told them how much money he was spending on a daily basis to build JerryWorld, and (2) made utterly idiotic claims that he believes JerryWorld will inspire his team to the Super Bowl, antagonizing fans and foes alike. What better way to inspire than economics? What better way to motivate than by way of high-def jumbotron/executive suites/frittering glass/retractable roofs?
While Jerry’s thought process helps to explain the Cowboys lack of playoff success in the Cowboys’ post-Jimmy Johnson world, there are unique advantages to be gained by the Cowboys playing at home tonight. Nobody on the giants has ever played at Cowboys stadium. Everything will be new to them. The locker rooms. The sidelines, sight lines, lights– all new. Recently, we moved offices WITHIN THE SAME BUILDING and I lost two days of work because of the distractions. Where is the coffee machine? Does Dave really think it is OK to talk on speakerphone with his door open? If you think the giants won’t be distracted by a 60 yard high definition screen hanging above their heads, you haven’t moved offices recently. The distraction factor will be a factor. According to Rick Gosselin, a new stadium virtually ensures first season success. The mere fact that the Cowboys have played (pre-season) and practiced in the new stadium gives them an edge. Look for Dallas to get off to a good start tonight as the giants try to figure out their ass from their elbow.
2. Super Bowls are won in September- The Cowboys under Tony Romo have gone like gang busters in September since he took over quarterbacking duties. There are a lot of reasons for it, but chief among them are that the Cowboys are fresh, injury free, and haven’t yet been exposed as heartless fairies. Few teams, including the giants, have as much front line talent as the Cowboys. From DeMarcus Ware to a bevy of talented players on the offensive side of the ball, Dallas is loaded. Dallas’ problem is that as soon as it has to pull from its depth pool (see offensive line play last year after Kyle Kosier went down) or persevere through the inevitable fatigue and adversity that a season brings, they wilt. While they claim this year will be different and have every reason to be motivated to exorcise the demons of last season, it is of no matter here. Dallas wins in September, and will win tonight, because they simply have more talent than the giants and talent wins 75% of the time in the NFL.
3. The three-headed-monster- Goodbye earth, wind, and fire; hello Tash, Smash, and Dash. The healthy three-headed monster of Tashard Choice, Marion Barber, and Felix Jones gives the Cowboys the promise of offensive balance, which it lacked last year. One way to negate the giants vaunted pass rush (and to cut down on turnovers) is to run the ball effectively and use your running backs in the passing game. Dallas has the weapons and, unlike last year, the patience (read: no T.O.) to do that this year. The Giants have also never had to play against Felix Jones. Although limited by a thigh bruise in week one, reports are that Jones is ready to go. One flash of his speed and open field ability will force the giants to think twice before bringing the heat. Expect him to play a big role in tonight’s game plan.
4. Balance- I was at a dinner party last night where people spoke of balance. In life, in food, in all things. It made for terrible, when-will-it-end conversation. Although buzz-killing when amongst suburbanites, balance is brilliance if your name is Jason Garrett. Dallas is more committed to the run and taking what the defense gives them (as opposed to forcing the ball to Terrell Owens just to shut him up) this year. Garrett’s new approach was masterful in its execution against the Bucs. While the giants pose a bigger threat, Garrett’s commitment to balance will be on full display tonight and will also help to negate the giants pash rush.
5. The giants receivers don’t scare me (or anyone for that matter)- Dallas has some vulnerabilities on the defensive side of the ball. For one, they struggled to stop the run against the Bucs. According to Wade Phillips, the Cowboys gave up most of those yards because they were blitzing too much, a problem he says that was corrected at halftime. The problem with that argument is that the Bucs were trailing the whole second half and had to pass more, which likely had more to do with them abandoning the run than any technical adjustments. The giants will run the ball. Often. Expect the Cowboys to load up the box in an effort to force womanning to turn to his untested corp of you-don’t-scare-me receivers. When coupled with a fast start by the ‘Boys, the pressure will build on the giants to make plays in the passing game. While I think the giants receiving core will be fine as the season wears on, the Cowboys have they advantage of facing them early in the season.
FINAL SCORE: Cowboys 30-22. fufkin. Have I convinced you?
CONTINUE READING AFTER THE JUMP FOR ARTIE FUFKIN’S RESPONSE
18
Sep
2009
WEEK 2 WEBINAR-OFF: Fufkin, it is ON!
We are starting a new when-we-feel-like-it feature in which two bloggers pick a side and offer up five (give or take) reasons why their team will win the game.
This week’s featured match-up is Sunday night’s game between the Dallas Cowboys and New York Giants– two teams that honestly don’t like each other squaring off in a new stadium that the New York Times doesn’t like.
Stay tuned as Fufkin (Giants) and C-O-U-R-T-N-E-Y! (Cowboys) fight it out Fairfield County style–i.e., no punching to the face.
FUFKIN: A soft, doughy man.
V.
C-O-U-R-T-N-E-Y!: A menacing soldier-drummer with duel-colored facial hair and a nut-cracking mouth.
12
Sep
2009
MISTER SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL
Tomorrow, it begins in earnest. I know, I know, it technically began on Thursday. But who believes that a Thursday night game begins what defines our Sunday’s in the fall? No one save, perhaps, Goodell and a few suits. For Troy Polamalu, I suppose, it began and ended Thursday. For the rest of us: we saw a good game between two really, really good teams. But it was Thursday. And we had work the next day. And that made it even harder to really get into the solid but slightly-drab Titans v. the Cowherless Steelers.
Tomorrow, though, the NFL urinates on Boston: at 1:00 we get Browns-Vikings. What the ‘ef. The BROWNS? Sad sacks of crap. The VIKINGS? Sad sack of crap at the helm. The Browns are an insult. A terrible tease to the DarkHorse. A buzz-kill for the rest of us. Brady Quinn or Derek Anderson? Nothing like hiding which mediocre done-nothing will start to throw your opponent for a loop. Mangenius. Plying his trade. Because of Favre we get to watch a team that has had two winning seasons in the last 13 years and, alas, is starting over yet again. Yet another reason to curse him.
Brady Quinn holds his hips and smiles.
This is too negative. I need to change course. Here are my picks:
TEN 10 @ PIT 13 – Did not pick.
JAC @ IND – Jack Del Rio starts losing his job early in this one. Indianapolis 31-6
DET @ NO – The Saints are perpetually overrated. Their annihilation of the Lions will lead to early coronations as the team to beat in the NFC. Enjoy that status while it lasts, Saints fans. New Orleans 30-10.
DAL @ TB – Tampa Bay sucks. Dallas 23-10.
DEN @ CIN – In a season of learning opportunities, Josh McDaniels gets yet another one. Cincinnati 20-3.
KC @ BAL – Mismatch. Baltimore 28-0.
NYJ @ HOU – Houston’s going to the playoffs this year. The Jets are not. Houston 16-13.
MIN @ CLE – Favre’s ESPN highlight to touchdown ratio will be 28 to 1. Thank God Madden is not around to just talk about how much Favre loves the game for that 60 minutes on Sunday. Minnesota 30-14.
MIA @ ATL – Parcells’ teams usually take a step back in year two. I think both the Dolphins and Falcons take a step back this year. Atlanta 21-20.
PHI @ CAR –Which team needed Michael Vick more: Philly or the Panthers? This is an easy one: Philly 30-10.
WAS @ NYG –The Giants answer some questions about their receiving corps as we all begin to realize just how good a healthy Giants defense can be. Giants 27-10.
SF @ ARI – At what point is it OK to call Michael Crabtree a selfish loser. Arizona 28-10.
STL @ SEA – What markets are being punished with this junk?. Seattle 40-24.
CHI @ GB – Everyone is humping the Packers. Chicago is better. Bears 20-17.
SD @ OAK – This is actually the kind of game that Norv Turner loses. San Diego 24-10.
BUF @ NE – Occasionally I see Bob Kraft in my office building. New England 30-13.
4
Sep
2009
INDICTED: Time to See if the Hitting Machine Can Take a Punch
Reports that Lockhart offered to trade his rookie card for a misdemeanor plea are totally unfounded.
The hits keep on coming for mid-tier, mid-80′s NFLers. Yesterday, steverodgers shared his poignant thoughts on the passing of John Stephens. Late yesterday, news of former Cowboys’ linebacker Eugene “the Hitting Machine” Lockhart’s indictment in connection with an alleged mortgage fraud scheme hit the airwaves. Lockhart, who recorded an it-has-to-be-a-made-up-number 222 tackles in 1989, was the dominant defensive force on what were very bad Cowboys’ teams. Unlike the 4-3 defensive scheme that Lockhart starred in for the Cowboys, the mortgage fraud scheme that Lockhart allegedly quarterbacked carries with it a 30 year prison sentence if convicted.
28
Aug
2009
The Costner-Jones Post-Apocalyptic Theory
In the Summer of 1995, Kevin Costner’s Waterworld—a then-preposterously expensive $175 million abomination—hit the theatres. Plagued by problems on the set and lambasted by critics, most regarded Waterworld as the film that altered Costner’s career trajectory forever—the movie that forever relegated him to movies like Tin Cup and other affronts to ones sensibilities.
Costner Sucked in Waterworld. The Cowboys Sucked in 2008.
In the Summer of 2009, Jerryworld—a preposterously expensive $1.2 billion phallic symbol—opened to a pre-season affair between the Dallas Cowboys and Tennessee Titans. Rather than serving as a crowning moment for Jerry Jones (not to mention an opportunity to wipe away some of the lingering embarrassment that was last season), the stadium opener will long be remembered for one thing: Jerrytron-gate. Who in America did not ask themselves the following question this week: how on earth could a team spend that much money and not put the Jerrytron out of a punter’s reach?
Rather than wiping away embarrassment, Jerrytron-gate has only seemed to add to it. Not only can’t Jones build a winner, he can’t even build a stadium . To boot: rather than capitulating and raising the damn thing, Jones dug in his heels and accused the Titans second-string punter who is fighting for a job of aiming for it.
Today, the league announced the ground rules for Jerrytron. Basically, if you hit it, it’s a do-over. We at readandreact are left to wonder: what the hell is wrong with Jerry Jones? Doesn’t he realize that EVERYONE (EVERYONE!) is going to talk about one thing in connection with the stadium all year: did someone hit the Jerrytron? Not the plush seats. Not the grass field. Not nothing but who hit the Jerrytron?
Is it money? There have been rumblings that the stadium has stretched Jones, a man of seemingly endless means, financially. (Failing to lock-up Demarcus Ware is near the top of the list of signs.) Some have speculated that Jones balked at paying the over $2 million price it would cost to move Jerrytron higher. That said, the Cowboys are purportedly planning to raise itwhen U2 rolls into town in October (only to lower it again after U2 leaves?). So, while money may be tighter even for the Joneses, that doesn’t seem to be the reason. Is it pride? Jones is well-known in Dallas for defending his ground when the media pokes him. (See: retention of Wade Phillips.) Is it aesthetics?
Ultimately, who knows why Jones remains adamant. Whatever his reasons the real question here is whether this is Jerry Jones’ Kevin Costner moment? Like Costner in 1995, for years Jones has been moving closer to the edges of respectability. (Remember the Bodyguard: 1992.) Last year pushed Jones closer to that edge as he defended a team with no chemistry by saying chemistry doesn’t matter and a player who got in a fight with his Bodyguard (the Costner-parallels flow so naturally—isn’t it good to have us back online, people?). And now, a quiet, seemingly productive off-season and training camp has given way to this—a confluence of events that begs the question: is what was supposed to be Jones’ Field of Dreams really just his post-apocalyptic movie/here comes Tin Cup/3000 Miles to Graceland/Swing Vote moment?
29
Jul
2009
Kardashian Cuts Bush
That was the honest too goodness headline on www.boston.com yesterday (since removed).
23
Jun
2009
FOR SALE: A 31/2-BY-41/2 INCH PIECE OF REAL ESTATE
(I am back after a hiatus. Deal with it.)
The New York Daily News is reporting that the New York Jets are going to be wearing a corporate patch on their practice jerseys this year. This is news? I suppose the media is reporting it because there is concern that the next step is corporate patches on uniforms. Nothing like the threat of corporate interference to wrangle purists during the off-season.
J-E-T-S, ATLANTIC HEALTH JETS!
I actually think there is a much larger risk of “it” (corporate sponsorships on uniforms) happening in leagues other than the NFL which, although not immune to the economic maelstrom plaguing our nation (you know, the one that is really starting to suck at this point), is not suffering nearly as badly as, say, the NBA (which already sucks at this point). Even Major League Baseball (the purveyors of America’s pastime) seems more likely to fall prey to over-eager marketing execs peddling a “novel” idea—the let’s call the Pittsburgh Pirates the Pirates of the Caribbean for a day! idea—than the straight-lacers running the NFL. The fact of the matter is that any league would have to think long and hard before allowing teams to slap logos on to their jerseys because once you do that you can’t undo that.
That said, it will happen someday. Not today. Not tomorrow. But someday. And once one league steps into the abyss, the rest will eventually follow. Next thing you know the SeaWorld logo has replaced the Dolphin on the Miami Dolphins uniform and the Raiderettes have traded in their silver short-shorts for Depends undergarments (sorry, Al). In the meantime, I think that the NFL was able to convince someone to pay to put a patch on a practice jersey is actually comforting. Because anyone smart enough to convince someone to pay money to put a patch on a freaking practice t-shirt must be smart enough to realize that one thing you can’t mess with is the game day uniform.
24
May
2009
Don’t Starks With Me, Officer
Miami Dolphins defensive end Randy Starks was arrested early Sunday morning when a police officer got in the way of his house party on wheels. Starks, who was allegedly driving a truck packed with 13 people inside (including a lady on his lap) at the time of the incident, remains jailed in Miami.
Parcells Plays Pocket Pinball in Happier Times. (Photo: Getty Images)
Unless your name is Lawrence Taylor, Bill Parcells has never been one to embrace off-season incidents—particularly ones that defy explanation. (Imagine for a moment if you will the expression on Parcells mug when the phrases “13 people . . .girl on his lap . . . officer pinned” crossed his ears.) When with the Cowboys, for example, Parcells cut safety Keith Davis after he was the innocent victim of a shooting at a nightclub (albeit a nightclub that the team had told players not to attend).
This reminds us of that old maxim: If you are going to pin someone with your truck, you ought not let that person be a police officer.
24
May
2009
Don't Starks With Me, Officer
Miami Dolphins defensive end Randy Starks was arrested early Sunday morning when a police officer got in the way of his house party on wheels. Starks, who was allegedly driving a truck packed with 13 people inside (including a lady on his lap) at the time of the incident, remains jailed in Miami.
Parcells Plays Pocket Pinball in Happier Times. (Photo: Getty Images)
Unless your name is Lawrence Taylor, Bill Parcells has never been one to embrace off-season incidents—particularly ones that defy explanation. (Imagine for a moment if you will the expression on Parcells mug when the phrases “13 people . . .girl on his lap . . . officer pinned” crossed his ears.) When with the Cowboys, for example, Parcells cut safety Keith Davis after he was the innocent victim of a shooting at a nightclub (albeit a nightclub that the team had told players not to attend).
This reminds us of that old maxim: If you are going to pin someone with your truck, you ought not let that person be a police officer.
4
May
2009
COLLAPSE: Cowboys’ Practice Facility Collapses
(Photo: Ron Jenkins/Fort Worth Star-Telegram/MCT)
********************
UPDATE – Monday, 5/4 AM:
The Dallas Morning News reports:
A 33-year-old Dallas Cowboys staff member was left paralyzed and two other team staffers remain hospitalized after Saturday’s practice facility collapse, which is now the subject of a federal Occupational Safety and Health Administration investigation, authorities said.
[Cowboys'] Scouting assistant Rich Behm suffered a spine fracture that caused permanent paralysis from the waist down, the team confirmed Sunday … Cowboys special teams coach Joe DeCamillis will undergo surgery at Parkland Hospital today to stabilize a broken vertebra. He was not paralyzed. Assistant athletic trainer Greg Gaither is expected to remain at Baylor University Medical Center for the next few days while his broken right leg heals.
The total number of injuries is now at 12.
********************
Original Post, 5/2:
As reported by Artie earlier this evening: known for their late season collapses, the Cowboys got a head-start today when the roof of its indoor practice bubble collapsed while the team’s mini-camp was underway. Although there are reports of injuries, fortunately it appears as though none were life-threatening. Among those hurt was Joe DeCamillis, the Cowboys’ new special teams coach.
We obviously hope everyone is OK.
