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Ben Roethlisberger Sunday Afternoon Interior Decorator Inquiry

By steverodgers

Nathaniel Stanton: Stanton and Menotti Contemporary Interiors, Nathaniel speaking.

Ben Roethlisberger: Hi, I’m calling to see if I could hire an interior decorator for my apartment.

NS: You have come to the right place! What is your name, sir?

BR: Ben Roethlisberger. My friends call me Big Ben.

NS: Outstanding!

BR: I play football for the Steelers.

NS: This is the game with all the men and the tight pants?

BR: Uh… yeah, I guess.

NS: What a delight! Do you have a particular look you would like for your apartment? Maybe something to design around? Art perhaps?

BR: Well, I have a Beers of the World poster and a collection of Fatheads.

NS: A Fat Head?

BR: These large, stick-on football players. You put them on your wall.

NS: So a Maximalists, perhaps. Do you have any furniture that you would like to keep? Just trying to get a sense… Would hate to give you English Chintz when you might really be looking for Neo-Bachelor Minimalism, if you know what I mean.

BR: I don’t think I have anything I need to keep. Oh that’s not true, I bought a replica of Dumbledore’s chair from the Harry Potter movies. I like to sit on that chair with a bucket of hot chicken on my lap and search for foreign nudie movies on Netflix streaming and make my way through a 12-pack.

NS: An heirloom piece… I see. We must keep it. Do you entertain?

BR: Well, sometimes Hines will come over and cook me dinner if we have had a tough practice. He likes to put on an a tiny apron and make a roast. We unwind together. He calls it, “us time.” I also will sometimes just call random numbers at the college and if a girl answers, invite her over.

NS: It almost sounds like you might do well with Amherst Fraternity Casual, a mix of high and low pieces, a masculine presence, almost Scandinavian youth hostel if you will, where you could spill a Natural Light and not worry about it, but one where you would feel comfortable slipping on some silk pajamas and having a nice glass of merlot with your intriguing friend Hines on an indulgent couch upholstered in the finest Austrian mohair.

BR: That sounds like it exactly.

NS: Smashing! I think it might be best if I make a trip over with some measuring tape and my pad and see if we can’t come up with something that fits your lifestyle. We have to get the colors right. Maybe something emerald, indigo, or maybe we just go with goats eye. The floors will have to be lacquered black…or white, something that you could easily mop up if someone vomits, but so shiny you could see up a co-ed’s skirt.

BR: Get out of my head Nathaniel!

NS: We are simpatico! When can I pop over?

BR: Any time is fine. My schedule is currently wide open.

NS: See you tomorrow afternoon; get ready for some fabric samples!