LOCKOUT LETTER FROM AL DAVIS TO OAKLAND RAIDERS PLAYERS: MARCH 11, 2011
1220 Harbor Bay Parkway
Alameda, CA 94502
March 11, 2011
Dear [Player Name]:
This is to inform you that the Oakland Raiders (“Club”) will institute a lockout of its players (“Peasants”) as of 12:00 a.m. Eastern time on March 12, 2011.
During the lockout, the following will be in effect:
1. You will not be able to enter any Club facility or the stadium. Mr. Davis will be monitoring you via satellite from his secret underground lair. If you are even seen in the parking lot, you will be immediately incinerated with either a laser beam fired from space or a cannonball blast.
2. You will not receive any compensation from the Club. Contracts, however, will be honored for those bringing Mr. Davis the severed heads of either Lane Kiffin or Jon Gruden.
3. The Club will not pay for or provide health insurance. You will receive additional information about options to continue your current coverage through COBRA. Please note that COBRA is in a pitched battle with G.I. Joe and it might be some time before you hear from them. If you need assistance, please contact the plan administrators, Zartan or Serpentor, through the Hasbro Corp. via sealed diplomatic pouch.
4. You will not be able to perform any duties under your Player Contract or otherwise perform any duties for the Club. Those of you who made extra money digging up graves seeking fresh bodies for Mr. Davis’ cloning experiments may continue to do so, as that is considered an Outside Contract and essential for his plan of world domination.
5. Testing and treatment obligations under the Policy and Program for Substance of Abuse and Policy on Anabolic Steroids and Related Substances will cease. Gamma (Dr. Banner), Cosmic Ray (Dr. Richards) and Super Soldier (Dr. Erskine) treatments do not fall under this category, and will continue unabated.
6. The Club will not give you further instructions or guidance as to workout or trainings. This will not be any different from how we do things normally.
7. Club security and player development staff will not assist you with legal or any other problems. If such services are needed, Mr. Davis recommends any of the following: Matt Houston, Thomas Magnum, Simon and Simon, or the fictional comic book characters Luke Cage and Iron Fist.
8. During the lockout, the explosive tracking chips that Mr. Davis installed in your neck will be deactivated. Please be aware that extreme temperatures and moisture can result in chip malfunction and explosion. We apologize for any inconvenience or anxiety this may cause.
9. You are free to engage in any alternative employment during the lockout. Any services provided to Communist, Socialist, Mormon or Werewolf organizations, however, will not be tolerated and you will be hunted down and killed by Mr. Davis’ loyal band of ninja assassins (“The Autumn Wind”). Once a new labor agreement is reached between the NFL and the Union you may be expected to join the Club immediately. Therefore, you should structure any alternate employment so you can return to the Club promptly after a new labor agreement is reached.
If you have any questions, please contact the blood-sucking stooges that run the NFL Players Association.
P.S. Please remember that if an agreement is reached, the first Thursday of each month is Hawaiian shirt day, and I expect 100 percent participation this year. Davis out!
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