FRIDAY EVENING NFL OWNERS CONFERENCE CALL: ROGER GOODELL LABOR UPDATE
Roger Goodell: ….So essentially, that’s where it stands currently. Do any of you have any questions for me right now?
Ralph Wilson: I can’t see anyone?
Arthur Blank: It’s a phone call sir. So you shouldn’t see anyone.
Bob Kraft: What’s the hold up, Roger?
Goodell: They don’t want 18 games, they are worried about injury. I think if we can agree on the amount of games, the rest will fall into place.
Al Davis: Who’s worried?
Goodell: The players, sir. The people we are negotiating with.
Davis: Negotiate! I once rode the dragon with Howard Hughes, I only eat the beating hearts of unicorns, I sleep upside down in a belfry, I don’t negotiate with anyone!
Kraft: Al, good God, have you ever listened to yourself? You’re losing it.
Davis: Of course, I have only heard the sound of my voice since I had my face laminated in 1987.
Dan Snyder: Why don’t we just keep it at 16 and put this thing to bed.
Jerry Jones: Snyder, why don’t you shut up. You don’t know anything.
Snyder: Whatever, Jerry! Great job with the tickets!
Paul Allen: Hey, let’s work together, boys. I need more money for my mattress. I’m sleeping funny.
Randy Lerner: Have you tried putting some gold bars in there?
Zygi Wilf: Oh that works. Or sometimes I will have some of my servants get in there for the night. The odd shapes of their bodies provides a good night’s rest.
Blank: I find that if you shred the 100-dollar bills before you put them in the mattress, it’s more comfortable.
Goodell: Let’s keep on track. Do you all still want 18 games?
Wilson: Wait, this is a phone? Where is the dial? Is this magic!?
Blank: Sir, it isn’t magic, just a newer phone.
Lerner: I worked it out. I think we should go to 20 games. I think the Browns fans are ready to see our brand of exciting football for 20 games.
Steve Bisciotti: Ha! Good stuff, Randy. Good stuff. Your team is terrible.
Wayne Weaver: My fans aren’t ready for 18 games. Do you know some people actually move to Jacksonville? Have you been there? It’s like living in a homeless man’s mouth. It smells like the seventh day of a cholera outbreak.
Davis: I once had four homeless men killed on a private island by a Predator monster. I also had one be our receivers coach one year. I also drink Mormon blood for breakfast.
Kraft: Al, how are you even alive?
Bud Adams: I think hobos are spectacular! I used to take day trips to a Hooverville as a child when the zoo was closed. My father promised he would buy me a hobo. He never did.
Wilson: My dad bought me one. Texas Slim was his name. I used to dress him up like FDR, then I would put him in a wheelchair and push him down a hill. Such fun.
Kraft: You have to be kidding… Roger, it’s 18 games or a lockout.
Dan Rooney: Agreed. Don’t listen to these lunatics.
Davis: Rooney, show some respect, your father and I once bedded a trailer full of circus freaks in Akron after a two-day coke binge. Your father had some moxie, unlike you, young fellah. You should have seen him, took the bearded lady for the team. It looked like he was having sex with Gandalf!
Rooney: Oh, God…
Kraft: Dan, your father did not have sex with a circus performer.
Davis: He did, he was like man possessed!
Blank: Enough Al!
Goodell: Okay, let’s call it a meeting. All in favor of staying on the present course?
All Owners: Aye
Davis: Nay! I’m moving the team to Stockton!
Goodell: Anything else?
Wilson: I haven’t pooped in a week!
Goodell: Very productive, Ralph. Goodnight everyone.