Title

The New Meadowlands Smells Like Poop

By C-O-U-R-T-N-E-Y!

Slightly concerned about the state of the Cowboys, I decided to attend this week’s Giants-Cowboys game live, in the belly of the beast: the new Meadowlands.  I figured, if Dallas was going to make a move this season, at 1-7, it was getting kind of late in the year and I wanted to be there to see Ol’ Red (Jason Garrett) flip the switch.    

The Giants came into the game with momentum.  Manning has been very good and the Giants’ defense has looked as though, at long last, Tom Coughlin’s testicles have once again descended from his body cavity.  That vaunted pressure defense had returned.  The buddy I went with to the game, a long time Giants season ticket holder, matter-of-factly told me on Saturday night: “Giants 35, Dallas 10″.

Gameday began oddly.  On my way to the sports bar where I was going to meet my friend, I stopped in Times Square at a red light.  Standing next to me: Montel Williams. Freaking Montel.  (Swear to God: Montel!).  He was wearing a black leather shirt.  Not a black leather jacket: a black leather shirt.  And, of course, he was sporting his trademark Montel ‘stache.  You know the one: the highly manicured, jet-black ‘stache.  Vintage Montel.

I considered saying “Hi, Montel, huge fan of your show” but I didn’t quite have my bearings and the moment passed. I regret it.  Could be a Sliding Doors moment for me.

Giants fans use inflatable dolls to find one another in the city on gamedays.

My friend and I watched the first half of the one o’clock games at a bar on 44th street between 8th and 9th avenues, mostly watching the Browns go toe-to-toe with the Jets with other Giants fans.  Notwithstanding all of the nice things I say about him, TheDarkHorse used the texts I sent him (“Hillis is the Man!”) to say not-very-nice things about Jerry Jones.  For my part, I took the high road.  (I always do.)  At half-time, my buddy and I settled up and made our way to the new Meadowlands.

At first blush, the new Meadowlands is impressive.  We hit no traffic on the way over and, as we drove through the badlands of New Jersey, the new Meadowlands made for an imposing sight– a silver, edgier, more foreboding version of its predecessor.

As we got closer, though, certain things began to bother me.  First, they built the stadium next to the fugliest shopping mall in the world.  As best I can tell, the mall has no windows and appears to be made from plastic color panels ripped right from the pages of the Ikea catalog.  I don’t care if your taste is modern, contemporary, traditional, or old fashioned: nothing about that mall looks right.

The stadium is also next to what used to be the Brendan Byrne arena.  If you have ever been inside Brendan Byrne arena, then you know that it just isn’t very nice, either.  Worse still, it is no longer called the Brendan Byrne arena.  Instead, it is now known as the Izod Center.  One thing is for sure, when I think New Jersey Devils hockey: i think Izod. (Apparently they paid $200 million dollars for naming rights. Izod: WTF.  How does Izod even have $200 million?)  Part of the parking garage used by the Giants also doubles as an indoor ski slope.  (And they say Jerryworld is a circus!)

The inside of the stadium is nice.  Wide concourses.  Staircases in all the right places.  Lots of beer and food lines and, most importantly, excellent vantage points from seemingly everywhere in the stadium (including the escalators).

The Meadowlands when the technical glitches began (note the dead Jumbotron).

As Artie previously reported, though, the Giants’ $1.6 billion dollar stadium revolted in the third quarter.  First, half the lights in the stadium went out.  I have actually been at sporting events in the past where that has happened.  The difference here, though, was that it appeared as though no effort was made to turn the lights back on.  After making an annoucement (along the lines of: we have concluded that there is enough light to still play the game) the game continued.  A few minutes later, though, the whole stadium went black. Everything.  Disorenting blackness.

When the lights came on, I turned to the guy sitting next to me (some teenage Jints fan) and said: wouldn’t it be kind of fun if, when the lights came back on, John Kitna was face down at midfield, with a ketchup stain on the back of his jersey, and thus the “Who Killed John Kitna Mystery Party!” begins. He didn’t think it was funny.  I did, though, and I laughed and laughed about it.  And I thought of Tom Coughlin on the jumbotron, delivering a speech filled with clues.  And, of course, in the end Lawrence Tynes would be the killer because no one ever suspects the kicker.

What is not being reported on TV, though, and what ReadAndReact can exclusively report, is that the new Meadowlands simply doesn’t have enough bathrooms.  Not even close.  The lines were pee-in-your pants long.  The kind where, once you go to the bathroom, you might as well just get back in the line to go again.   How can you build a $1.6 billion stadium and not have enough bathrooms?   (The urinals themselves are also oddly narrow.  Whatever happened to the big pissing troughs?)  Worse still: the bathrooms honestly smelled like poop.  The smell in the 300 section bathroom was toxic and dangerous.  People were pouring out the bathroom door besides themselves with the bad odor.  Really bad smell, like I would imagine a Dirty Sanchez smells.  Theories as to the source were plentiful– shouts of “somebody went on the floor” caromed off the walls.  One person suggested that the smell was simply New Jersey.

The Giants’ high definition jumbotrons, although magnificent, were oddly out of step with the game.  On more than one occassion, Dallas shredded the Giants for a big gain only to have the jumbotron implore the crowd on the next play with a DEFENSE! message.  If the sign had requested DEFENSE! just one play earlier, who knows how this game would have turned out.

The aftermath of the blackout was comical.  At one point, stadium security came on and said something to the effect of: “please be seated, we will begin evacuation procedures shortly.”  This was funny for a number of reasons, including the fact that the game had already resumed.

As for the game itself, for at least one game, Dallas looked like a good football team.  The Cowboys’ offensive line protected well, they made big plays on offense, used the weapons they had wisely, and were opportunistic on
defense.  Some will make more out of Jason Garrett’s debut than is deserved, but aside for some odd clock management at the end of the first half, he acquitted himself nicely.  The Giants, on the other hand, played like their bathrooms smelled.  They played like the Cowboys.  Good plays negated by bad penalties. A horrible throw by Manning to McCrary.  Inexplicably conservative playcalling at times against a team with no depth in the secondary and its top two cornerbacks out of the game. This game was a bit of a trap game for the Giants with the Eagles game coming up next weekend, and the Giants played like it.  At the end of the year, though, this game will be forgotten.

All week, people (even my mom) asked me about the Wade Phillips firing/Garrett hiring.  I didn’t write about it because, to be honest, I was not sure what to say.  A few years ago, Jason Garrett was a hot assistant.  As everyone knows, that is no longer the case and he may end up faring no better than Wade Phillips in the long run.  That said, and you can take it to the bank, absent a total collapse, he will be named the permanent head coach of the Cowboys at season’s end.  Jerry Jones can’t get the coaches he wants (Shanahan, Cowher) and won’t get the coaches that he can (Billick, Gruden).  Garrett strikes the perfect balance for Jerry Jones.  He will be more discipline-oriented than Wade Phillips, but is someone that Jones can still overshadow.  Dallas’ problems are systemic and cultural and come from the very top.  While I do believe that Garrett has the intellect to see what needs to change, and by all accounts is very organized and well-prepared, I don’t know that he will get it right, either.  Given the soul-crushing performances the Cowboys have put forward this year, I don’t know if anyone could get it right with this group.