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WEBINAR-OFF: Giants v. Cowboys v. Fufkin v. C-O-U-R-T-N-E-Y!

By C-O-U-R-T-N-E-Y!

UPDATE: WE’LL BE PERIODICALLY BLOGGING OUR THOUGHTS ON THE GAME  IN THE COMMENTS.  FOLLOW ALONG.

I lay down the gauntlet early this morning because I know fufkin will need all day to formulate a response to the verbal devastation that follows.  To begin with, I lowercase fufkin in an intentional lack of respect, similar to the lack of respect that the giants have shown to Americans (as fans of America’s team) in recent years.   At every turn, the giants talk, talk, talk about the Cowboys.  The base, verbal diarrhea that falls from brandon jacobs pouty lips is fare usually reserved for pro wrestling and is all part of the lame mystique that the giants–led by THE human embodiment of a clown show in eli womanning– appear to be trying to carve out for themselves.  Intimidating?  Poppycock: the giants are a laughable collection of men.

And here is why the Cowboys will whup ‘em tonight:

1.  JerryWorld-  There is an unwritten rule that says “thou shall not lose one’s inaugural game in one’s new stadium”.  To ensure that would not happen, Jerry Jones (1) gathered his players during the off-season and told them how much money he was spending on a daily basis to build JerryWorld, and (2) made utterly idiotic claims that he believes JerryWorld will inspire his team to the Super Bowl, antagonizing fans and foes alike.   What better way to inspire than economics?  What better way to motivate than by way of high-def jumbotron/executive suites/frittering glass/retractable roofs?

While Jerry’s thought process helps to explain the Cowboys lack of playoff success in the Cowboys’ post-Jimmy Johnson world, there are unique advantages to be gained by the Cowboys playing at home tonight.  Nobody on the giants has ever played at Cowboys stadium.  Everything will be new to them.  The locker rooms.  The sidelines, sight lines, lights– all new.  Recently, we moved offices WITHIN THE SAME BUILDING and I lost two days of work because of the distractions.  Where is the coffee machine?  Does Dave really think it is OK to talk on speakerphone with his door open?  If you think the giants won’t be distracted by a 60 yard high definition screen hanging above their heads, you haven’t moved offices recently.  The distraction factor will be a factor.   According to Rick Gosselin, a new stadium virtually ensures first season success. The mere fact that the Cowboys have played (pre-season) and practiced in the new stadium gives them an edge.   Look for Dallas to get off to a good start tonight as the giants try to figure out their ass from their elbow.

2.  Super Bowls are won in September-  The Cowboys under Tony Romo have gone like gang busters in September since he took over quarterbacking duties.   There are a lot of reasons for it, but chief among them are that the Cowboys are fresh, injury free, and haven’t yet been exposed as heartless fairies.   Few teams, including the giants, have as much front line talent as the Cowboys.  From DeMarcus Ware to a bevy of talented players on the offensive side of the ball, Dallas is loaded.  Dallas’ problem is that as soon as it has to pull from its depth pool (see offensive line play last year after Kyle Kosier went down) or persevere through the inevitable fatigue and adversity that a season brings, they wilt.  While they claim this year will be different and have every reason to be motivated to exorcise the demons of last season, it is of no matter here.  Dallas wins in September, and will win tonight, because they simply have more talent than the giants and talent wins 75% of the time in the NFL.

3. The three-headed-monster-  Goodbye earth, wind, and fire; hello  Tash, Smash, and Dash.  The healthy three-headed monster of Tashard Choice, Marion Barber, and Felix Jones gives the Cowboys the promise of offensive balance, which it lacked last year.   One way to negate the giants vaunted pass rush (and to cut down on turnovers) is to run the ball effectively and use your running backs in the passing game.  Dallas has the weapons and, unlike last year, the patience (read: no T.O.) to do that this year.   The Giants have also never had to play against Felix Jones.  Although limited by a thigh bruise in week one, reports are that Jones is ready to go.   One flash of his speed and open field ability will force the giants to think twice before bringing the heat.  Expect him to play a big role in tonight’s game plan.

4.  Balance-  I was at a dinner party last night where people spoke of balance.  In life, in food, in all things.  It made for terrible, when-will-it-end conversation.  Although buzz-killing when amongst suburbanites, balance is brilliance if your name is Jason Garrett.  Dallas is more committed to the run and taking what the defense gives them (as opposed to forcing the ball to Terrell Owens just to shut him up) this year.  Garrett’s new approach was masterful in its execution against the Bucs.  While the giants pose a bigger threat, Garrett’s commitment to balance will be on full display tonight and will also help to negate the giants pash rush.

5.  The giants receivers don’t scare me (or anyone for that matter)- Dallas has some vulnerabilities on the defensive side of the ball.  For one, they struggled to stop the run against the Bucs.  According to Wade Phillips, the Cowboys gave up most of those yards because they were blitzing too much, a problem he says that was corrected at halftime.   The problem with that argument is that the Bucs were trailing the whole second half and had to pass more, which likely had more to do with them abandoning the run than any technical adjustments.  The giants will run the ball.  Often.  Expect the Cowboys to load up the box in an effort to force womanning to turn to his untested corp of you-don’t-scare-me receivers.   When coupled with a fast start by the ‘Boys, the pressure will build on the giants to make plays in the passing game.  While I think the giants receiving core will be fine as the season wears on, the Cowboys have they advantage of facing them early in the season.

FINAL SCORE: Cowboys 30-22.  fufkin.  Have I convinced you?

CONTINUE READING AFTER THE JUMP FOR ARTIE FUFKIN’S RESPONSE

First off, I’d like to thank our gender-confused contributor C-O-U-R-T-N-E-Y for inviting me to participate in the inaugural edition of our “WEBINAR-OFF” series.

Although, I’m not sure anything we’re doing here would fall under tha category of “webinar”, which generally involves a live webcast presentation.  To paraphrase Inigo Montoya (appropriate since you essentially challenged me to a digital duel), “I do not think that word means what you think it means”.

But that is neither here nor there.  The matter at hand is the continuation of the heated rivalry between the Giants and Cowboys.  I won’t resort to name-calling or cute grammatical games in an attempt to belittle my opponent.  I don’t have to.  The Giants are simply the superior football team.

Here’s why the Giants will win tonight:

1. Football is won in the trenches. The Giants have arguably the best offensive and defensive lines in the NFL.  They will dominate the game up front, wear down the Cowboys over the course of 4 quarters, and he Giants will run Jacobs and Bradshaw down the throat of the Dallas defense.  An interesting match-up to watch will be DeMarcus Ware vs. David Diehl, who is no longer finding his way at LOT for the Giants.  But besides Ware, the Cowboy front seven is completely pedestrian, and Eli Manning should have plenty of time to throw the ball.   On the other side of the ball, make no mistake about it, Tony Romo will be running for his life tonight.  The Giants have added even more depth to the best pass-rushing unit in the game, so much so that the absence of newly acquired former Cowboy Chris Canty (inured calf), won’t mean a thing.  With Osi back in the fold, Giants DC Bill Sheridan will keep changing the looks to confuse Romo, and keep him on his heels all night long.
2. Coaching. Wade Phillips is a poor excuse for an NFL head coach, and Tom Coughlin will out-coach and out-prepare his Teletubby-esque counterpart tonight.  Phillips is historically one of the worst game managers in the NFL, and his “Camp Cupcake” will once again leave Dallas ill-prepared and soft when squaring off against a more physical NFC East opponent.  I will take grumpy old man Coughlin any day of the week over Phillips  … not to mention the fact that he doesn’t have to worry about the owner yapping in his ear on the sideline in the 4th quarter.
3. The Cowboys can’t win the big game. Whether it’s in November or September, if it’s a high-pressure affair and it comes down to the 4th quarter, Dallas will fold like a house of cards.  Jerry Jones has probably been riding his coaches and players to win tonight so hard, that Wade has them mentally going into tonight “like it’s a playoff game”.  Big mistake.  If they were treating this like it was a meaningless early-season game, the Cowboys would probably win.
4. Eli Manning and the Giants receiving corps. You don’t need to be scared of them, just get used to hearing their names.  Rookie Hakeem Nicks is out with a foot injury, but Mario Manningham, Steve Smith and Kevin Boss will be more than enough weapons for Eli Manning to pick apart the Cowboys secondary.  Manning is in his 6th season, and has now reached the point where, like his brother, he can diagnose a defense at the line of scrimmage, and know where the ball needs to go.  I predict Boss is going to have a big game tonight.
   

   A preview of the Jerry Face you'll be seeing tonight

5. Karma - Jerry Jones is one of the worst human beings ever to walk the face of the earth.  Period.  God is looking down on “Jerry World” – this abominable tribute to hubris, greed and commerce – and is going to empower Giants to shit all over Jerry’s big opening night.  For not raising the scoreboard, for over-charging for tickets & concessions, and for generally being an affront to all that is good and decent in our society, Jerry Jones and Cowboys MUST lose.

Giants 24-Cowboys 16