29
Aug
2009
Living in oblivion
By TheDarkHorse
Because you care: My fantasy football draft gets underway in 2 hours and 28 minutes.
There’s an undercurrent of self-defeat in all of this.
After last season’s debacle, I promised to never to play fantasy again.
Reason #1: My teams have sucked horribly, painfully, year after year. Some of the worst fantasy teams ever assembled—last season ended with somebody named Chet Orley-Francine at quarterback and Aunt Jemima running the ball.
Reason #2: I just couldn’t get past the fact that I was a 35-year-old man who was regularly unsettled about my “team,” it’s riddled lineup, and inability to “win football games” on my computer.
As my contingent of oft-injured, mid-tier clowns tanked week after week, I felt my rich disdain for the entire operation bloom.
One thing about fantasy: it seems to me that if you get out of the gate slow, with a bunch of players unable to find themselves, you have about as much a chance at outshining your peers as Lauren Conrad at a Mensa convention.
"LC" and fantasy football contribute equally to this society.
My 2008 fantasy start was grizzly. I lost my opening three games by a combined four points–two of those games were lost by a fraction of a point. The scoring system was such where a runningback, for instance, could score 22.7 points in a game (suggesting–to me, at least–that this entire process took itself far too seriously). By Week Four, it was over: I lost by 70 points, the victim of my own poor administration (I was out of town for the weekend, and mistakenly started three bye players, a mid-malaise Chad Ochocinco, and Chelsea Clinton). Sitting at 0-4, looking up at a flock of 4-0 and 3-1 teams, my Matt Schaub-led band of hobby horses spiraled violently downward.
This Schaub guy (who I’m told, again, is a “sleeper”) drove me to drink. Week after week, he sabotaged my fake team: I’d play him and, in real life, he’d get the flu ten minutes before gametime, leaving the quarterback slot VOID. Thanks, Matt. So, I’d sit him, and he’d come in—randomly—and throw three touchdowns. I’d fall for it, play him the next week, and he’d burn up the field for 47 yards. By Week 8, I was floating.
I have a hard time imagining my grandfather, fresh out of World War II, deciding to spend his fall playing fantasy football. It certainly speaks to the complete ease most of us live in today. I’ll get flamed for suggesting that we’re in “languish” mode—yes, yes, I know: many adults who spend way too much time twiddling around with their fantasy football lineup also hold successfully hold down full-time jobs, engage in relationships as parents and spouses, and contribute to a local charity (or tavern). That said, I just can’t get past the absurdity of it all. Human beings were meant for more than this.
I simultaneously applaud and disdain the fantasy football “experts” who have somehow convinced magazines, television stations, websites, and, well, ANYONE, to pay them. Pay them to provide their BIG BOARD, their SLEEPERS and BUSTS — their “FANTASY HANDCUFFS” (please).
What is beyond utterly dumb is the quiet but solid vindication I feel when my Browns get shredded by the Steelers but, because I drafted the Pittsburgh defense, my false squad of pixels nets 28 points for the three interceptions and two touchdowns my Steeler D amassed off a dazed-and-confused Derek Anderson. And… while it sucks Jamal Lewis was held to 4 yards on 8 carries, I feel “smart” for benching him–just in time–to start Ray Rice, who scored twice on the Browns. Happy day.
As a Browns fan, cheering for Hines Ward on my fantasy team was the wakeup call: enough with the mixed loyalties, the explanations, the casual attitudes--this is dumb. No more drafting/rooting for Steelers/Ravens/Bengals players. Terrible!
Can I put this on my resume? Does this matter to anyone?
If Planet Nibiru is genuinely coursing toward earth, as you read this, and if we’re all going down the tubes in 2012, should I really spend another second “tweaking my starting lineup”?
That’s a big question to ponder, and I have more to say about it………….. right after I re-check my master list to make sure I’ve scrubbed Brandon Marshall out of my Top 100. Be right back.
Hahaha….good post DarkHorse.
Ah HA! Another bitter fantasy owner who derides the game because he’s not good at it. I get it now.
I look at Fantasy Football as a fun diversion. A chance to “compete” against friends, talk a little trash, and gain a rooting interest in an otherwise dreadful 49ers/Rams contest. And yes, if you’re lucky, make a little money. But I don’t take it too seriously, and I certainly never let my fantasy interests override my real world football interests. You need to be able to separate the two.
Any of the so-called “experts” who claim they know how players are going to perform week in and week out are just throwing out guesses like the rest of us … and in the end, much like the real game, it usually comes down to injuries and luck. But it sounds like you pretty much gave up last year, much like you’re beloved Browns squad. Starting players on byes just reeks of lazy ownership. And if you’re letting Matt Schaub have that much of an effect on you for any reason, you should probably take a look within. It’s a GAME.
Oh, and if we’re going to start questioning the cultural value of everything we waste our spare time on, we might as well just shut this whole site down. None of us are curing cancer ’round these parts.
Now do yourself a favor and grab Glen Coffee as a late round sleeper RB.
Wait — I’m taking it too seriously, yet I’m being too lazy, I shouldn’t care, but be on alert for sleepers.
Will do!
Correct. That’s your recipe for success, right there.
Ha, it’s worked so far…
Hey, I pick #6. I am thinking about Brees. Is that a complete reach in your book? Or should I be excited about Matt Forte (he bores me) (I don’t know why… just can’t get fired up about a Bear, on offense, as my top selection).
My team: Give me your thoughts…
QB – Tony Romo
QB – Eli Manning
RB – DeAngelo Williams
RB – Ryan Grant
WR – Wes Welker
WR – Lee Evans
WR – Lance Moore
TE – Tony Gonzales
K – Nate Kaeding
D – Pittsburgh
BN – Percy Harvin, WR
BN – Le’Ron McClain, WR
BN – Jeremy Maclin, WR
BN – Chris Cooley, TE
BN – Glen Coffee, RB
PS – I want to trade someone for Darren Sproles… who?
you stated many reasons why I refuse to participate in fantasy football….I’d rather watch the game in person or on TV….to hell with fantasy football
Who said anything about not watching the game in person or on TV?!? Not sure how that relates. If you’ve never tried playing Fantasy Football, you don’t really know.
Look, if the game is not for you, that’s fine. I get it. Trust me, the purist in me has plenty of objections to the very idea of fantasy football. But I can’t help but get caught up in the process of examining teams, situations & match-ups and trying to make my best educated guess as to which players will produce on a given weekend. Regardless of whether I’m right or wrong, I simply enjoy the strategy behind it all – finding the best free agent pick-ups, outstmarting other owners in trades, planning for bye weeks and replacing injured players. It allows me to enjoy the game in a different way, and I for one have been able to separate it from my real-world allegiances. (ie., I don’t start Donovan McNabb on my Fantasy team if he’s playing the Giants. I just won’t do it.)
And as much of a curmudgeon as TheDarkHorse came off as in his initial post, his follow ups show that his draft has at least sparked some interest for him. And when the Browns fall out of post-season contention, if his FF team is still fighting for the playoffs, he’ll have a reason to tune in come December.
I love how following my Hines Ward rant, I draft the Pittsburgh defense.
All is vanity.